A blanket could be used to cover my couch. Nobody should see that I constructed my sofa on the bones of my ancestors.

If you deny the existence of a higher being, you’ve never been to rehab

A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.

It’s time.” His mother, my wife, was resigned to the fact that it was time for Junior to leave the nest. She sat on a stool at the granite kitchen counter, spiked coffee beside her,...

A brick could be placed on your child’s cafeteria lunch tray, in place of the less appetizing and more unnatural food they normally serve.

A brick could be used to not be used. Is my hair waving in the wind, or are your eyes twitching?

Bricks could be used to neatly pack your suitcase. It would promote personal strength and frugality.

A brick could be used to tell the time. If you can see it it’s daytime, and if you can’t see it it’s nighttime.

A brick could be employed to stop global warming, by using it to clog up the world’s smallest volcano. I would use my penis to plug up the hole, but it already burns while I...

A blanket could be wrapped around people who’ve recently been electrocuted, because I’ll bet it’s really warm under those covers. I’ve always wanted to roast marshmallows in my sleep.

A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a brick, and only highly functional on a bed. Or so I heard—not that I’d know from personal experience.

A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

A brick could be used in a manner most secret. But Shh! I can’t tell you. What part about secret don’t you understand?

The cloud cover made for a terrible blanket.

A brick could be used as a flashlight. What, still dark? Check the batteries, because they may be dead.

A brick could be used in speech therapy, to cure a stutter. I mean look at me, I don’t have a stutter. But to be fair, I never did have a stutter, so I can’t...

The clouds are like marble in the sky, and I just want to make a kitchen counter out of the atmosphere. I can cook like a flock of birds.

I put a saddle on my salad, and I rode my horseradish to Rhode Island, where I was just in time to be late. I think I left my time zone change in my Arizona...

I’ll convert a school desk into a tricycle, because how else am I supposed to learn to love? It’s not like baseball gloves are very effective oven mitts.

A brick could be used as a measurement of time. Yes, just think how stylish you’ll look with a brick duct taped to your wrist!

A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it’ll be easier for you to carry it across the desert. You’d better get walking, because me and...

A brick can be used to represent a ruin, or the beginning of new construction. With a brick, the past is the future.

I once saw two rocks having sex, and I just shook my head because how stupid are those rocks? Don’t they know life only comes from life? Still, I voted for the rock on the...

I saw something scary. It was a boy, asking me what I’m doing naked in his father’s fridge. Dinner party’s over.

A brick could be used to help defeat all incumbent politicians whose last name starts with Brj and anything after that alphabetically. Since people tend to vote for the first one on the ballot, Brick...

A brick could be used as a book cover. Talk about hardcover!

I had a dream about you painting the scene of a house fire. The clocks were melting and Salvador Dali was riding around in a clown car muttering something about irony.

I have saved no one but myself and now I watch for the other universe to unravel in my skull, for the sky to become my own skin and fill with stars.

A blanket could be used to aid a sinner’s nightly prayer. I’m not shaking because I’m cold—I’m trembling with trepidation over the Wrath of God.

A brick could be used to dink like a dunk, if the thunk of the think has enough verticalocity to it.

Bricks could be used to generate smiles among the general population. Just hand them out, along with handshakes, and say, This will make everything OK. And guess what? They’ll believe you.

A blanket could be used to warm the hearts of all the nonbelievers. We are all nonbelievers, because nobody believes in everything.

A brick could be used to manipulate people into doing what you want. If anything could offer one man an unfair advantage over another, it’s a brick—especially if that brick is made of gold.

Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me, and that chicken was delicious.

Bricks could be used to replace stop signs. Some people won’t stop at stop signs, but everybody will stop for a brick wall.

I have a fist like a brick, but I don’t punch through walls—I build them and become them.

A brick could be used to tell time. And just between you and me, I hope that brick tells time to go to hell.

A brick could be used like a fleeglebeegle, which in turn could be used like a zoopkatofka, which itself could be used like a Wexlybexter Device (the one with the hand crank, not the one...

A blanket could be used to cure the common cold. I mean, come on it’s just common sense. A blanket is warm, and if a cold is what it’s named, then a blanket would transform...

A brick could be used as motivation to acquire more bricks. Hey, I’m just trying to help here. Don’t shut me out by building a wall between us.

A brick could be used to keep warm, and a blanket could be used to build a house.

All that separated our love lives was one wall, and I was peeping through it. I was wearing Tom’s nametag, so why shouldn’t I act like him?

I’ll wear a maze on a necklace, dangling over my chest, because if you want to get at my heart, you have to be ready to lose yourself.

There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.

A brick could be substituted in for Rhode Island as a US state, because they’re roughly the same size, the have the same population (the brick may have one less person), and Grandma Kintz makes...

A brick, in the hands of a Mason, could be used to cover up and hide a secret handshake.

A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you can even make love to it.

Knocking on a door is so violent. Talk on the door. Try to get it to open up through communication, not violence.

A brick could be used to create a new society, a perfect society, where there is no inequality, there are no laws, and most importantly, there are no people.

A brick could be used as a marketing tool. I’ll help you grow your business, if you help me plant this brick in the ground.