A blanket could be used to silence your internal critic. And if you don’t shut him up, I’ll do it for you. Geez, I’m trying to read over here, and I can’t focus with his...

A brick has ten holes in two rows lining the center—perfect so that you and nine of your friends can each stick your little dicks in the brick after a few beers.

A brick could be used to enslave humanity. No wait, a brick can’t do that—but the Masons can.

I’ll tear down the wall between us—and tear down the walls of your life.” Then you might try offering him a cheese sandwich.

A blanket could be used as Concealment Revealer. It both conceals and reveals, like great dialogue. Here’s some great dialogue I wrote for two characters, Mr. Brick, and Ms. Blanket: Mr. Brick: I like your...

A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming—and that you are warm. Where’s the cold war when you need it?

A brick could be used as a bowling ball. With how bad I bowl, a rectangle ball couldn’t possibly hurt my score, because in bowling you can’t get a lower score than zero

Which half do you want me to cut in half, Mr. Halfofhalf? The name’s Onequarter. Johnny Onequarter. And don’t you forget it.

A beer bottle on a stick, like a broom, is less for cleaning and more for distance drinking. My floor is so filthy I’ll drink twelve.

When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls.

A brick could be affixed to each end of an axle, for an example of transportation in a pre-wheel society.

A brick could be a politician, if you attached strings, taught it to dance, and allowed it to read a teleprompter. Remember: whether it’s Republican or Democrat, it’s still a brick, and it will do...

A brick could be used as a sex toy. Well, I say sex toy, but the politician strapped to the bed would probably say torture device.

A brick could be used to tell how hard the wind is blowing. If the wind blows the brick around, I’d get out of there immediately.

Pepperonis are like edible polkadots. I made you a pizza dress, but I’m ashamed to admit I burned it. I’m afraid you’ll have to dance naked.

A brick could be used as a paperweight, if the words you wrote weren’t weighty enough to hold it down.

A brick could be used to sell new shoes to a man with no hands. I would say a brick could be used to sell a handless man new gloves, but that’s a bit of...

Dromedary resting.

Your toaster’s a puff.

A blanket cold be used as truth. At least it’s so warm, it must be used that way.

A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped and huge? That’s right—my penis sheath.

A blanket could be used to foil slave traders. But so could tinfoil and leftover meatloaf. Geez, the whole Civil War could have been avoided if only Lincoln had known that little trick.

A blanket, as the epitome of warmth, could be used to stop colds. Also, sex with me might be the surest way to prevent a cold.

A brick could be used as a medallion on the end of a necklace, much like human testicles aren’t used. It’s a shame, really, because when you think of all things dangly, male genitals drop...

A blanket could be used to battle the cold, but not battle an army with swords, bayonets, and other sharp objects (unless the opposing army is armed only with sharp words).

Love is like building a wall with two bricks and a ton of wind. Obviously you and your lover are bricks.