One brick is not a wall. Unless you’re an ant, and then it’s not only a wall, it’s a building—a building that has no doors, windows, or people in the form of managers that I’d...

Yes, I am.” I’m the kind of lover who’d wear a unicycle to a tricycle convention for hitchhikers.

A blanket could be used to trick a bull into charging at you. After you trick the bull, trick a bear next, and then by that time all the investors will be playing your game,...

A blanket could represent change, and a brick represents consistency. Do you embrace the blanket, or the brick?

If I can scoop soup at 20 MPH while riding a three-legged horse, just imagine how great of a lover I am when I’m lying perfectly still.

I loved her bravely, like a fighter turned sprinter. I loved her so fiercely that I never even dared speak of my feelings. And because I displayed as much passion as a statue, our relationship...

The Mile High City has mile-high expectations. That’s 5,280 feet, you know. That’s five millipedes and 2.8 centipedes for all you lovers out there.

Liquid kittens would be drinkable cuddles. You wouldn’t ever be thirsty for love.

My girlfriend and I are close. She’s like a brother to me. My brother is also dating her. We make love like mannequins and mashed potatoes, despite the fact that I’m single and an only...

Quiet night. Silence at full capacity. Noiselessness is spilling over like a coffee cup full of jock cock. In a contact sport I’ve got to protect my genitals.

A blanket could be used to make all your dreams come true. Well, not all of them. Just the ones that are happening while you are sleeping.

A blanket could be used to sail with the wind. That wind is provided by my ceiling fan, and my boat is my bed. Why don’t you come over, and I’ll teach you the art...

Humans are very strange. When you need a hug, they throw you away, when you need condolence , they insult you, and when you need love, they betray you.

The clips hurt. The presence of a chainsaw was terrifying. And Noah did not want to hear about insane Nazi poets.

But you cannot know the glimpses I have had, you cannot know there is another, dazzling place, that seems to welcome me! I have been led to it, Helen, by someone marvellous and strange. You...

Once i watched you wake up, you had the same frown. “When one gets up, there is a moment when everything looks odd and strange.

Her name…was Mrs. marina Orlova, and she had grown up in Siberia. Later, she would tell him that she loathed the American custom of constantly smiling: “They are like chimpanzees,” she said, in her bitter...

A brick could be used to separate two types of people. On the left is a guy who loves my writing, and on the right is a girl who loves my writing. Now I love...

A blanket could be used to attract a potential mate. I’ve already got my mate. I bought her in a mannequin store (she was on sale).

A blanket could be used as a Portable Night Generator. Just stretch it over your head, blocking your eyes from the sun in the sky, and voila! Nighttime.

A blanket could be used as a TV screen. How? No—why? Even better—why not? Why not wrap yourself up in your favorite TV shows and let the screen warm your body and soul?

I’m not blanketing the truth when I say: Give a man a brick, and he’ll fish for a day. But give a man a fish, and he’ll brick for the rest of his life.

A blanket could be used to say I’m sorry without using words, gestures, body language, facial expressions, or telepathy. I’ve always thought it was better to show than tell anyway, so I hope you can...

A brick could be used as a spoon—to eat, not cuddle. OK fine, you can use it to cuddle too.

Check a phone book out of a library. Inside is a foggy castle covered by a black leather glove, watched over by a shaggy gray dog. My name is written in numbers in the sky...

A brick could be used as a way to motivate yourself to succeed. I’m proof that it works. It’s how I managed to get second to last in my last race.

A brick is a fraction of a building, and a brick is like a building—if you’re like an ant.

A blanket could be used as Concealment Revealer. It both conceals and reveals, like great dialogue. Here’s some great dialogue I wrote for two characters, Mr. Brick, and Ms. Blanket: Mr. Brick: I like your...

A blanket could be used to reveal hidden mysteries. Quick, get naked and get under, and I will illuminate the night.

A blanket could be used to cover Mt. Rushmore. But if you rush more, you’re going to rip the blanket in the same way that the very fabric of our democracy is torn.

A brick could used to translate and transform long cuneiform texts into shorter tweets. Sure, just take the brick and smash the clay tablets, and each broken fragment should be roughly 140 characters.

Watch out for the average–they’re usually hiding something big.

I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet.

A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed.

A blanket could be used to keep people warm. But take it from me: you want to freeze those dead bodies as soon as they’re cold and lifeless, because you don’t want the bodies staying...

Salsa music is best when chewing on nachos. I’m a spicy lover. Taste me and see.

A brick should decide who gets to rule the people, and I should decide what rules determine whom the brick favors.

I wore a hat, to compensate for the fact that my pants were unzipped. When we made love, she asked if I brought a condom, so I showed her my tube socks. I brought two,...

eccentric.” Let this be a lesson in love.

Ah, you shouldn’t have!” I love a box full of emptiness.

From across the bar, I saw her see me seeing her see me, and I knew that she knew, and with all this knowledge and vision I figured it must be love. But I could...

To a man, I love you means please keep feeding me. To a woman, it means she was talking to a new pair of shoes.

I saw a white toilet, with no plumbing, alone in a field of snow. Well, almost alone. There were two naked albinos and a polar bear sitting on it, and I felt inspired to write...

A skyscraper is to a brick as a pyramid is to____________A) a vagina, B) a particular vagina, or C) your mother’s vagina.

A brick could be used as another brick, as they all look the same. So yes, I am for human cloning as a means to build the future.

Don’t you wish we all lived in black light…. for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

I think the most important thing journalism taught me is to mine for details. The details are key. You can’t try to be funny or strange or poignant; you have to let the details be...

Strange words are better than strange Behavior

Ralon didn’t make anyone else put his tack away?” Alex wanted to know. “You didn’t see anything strange?” Alanna didn’t look up. “No.” It wasn’t strange , she excused her lie mentally. Ralon does things...

… We’re werewolves. We don’t get to judge ‘crazy.