We’re all somewhere 1-100 in love. I’m always 100.

I sing like a flower, and I dance like a tree. Let us make love like an overflowing cup of coffee.

I’ve got a lot of love to give you. And by you I mean your clone.

Love is an award you win by losing—or giving it away. Trophies collect dust, but love is the ultimate prize.

We spent the whole evening conversing like I was mute and she was deaf. I didn’t talk and she didn’t listen, and that’s what made me think we might be in love.

A brick could be used to help teach teenagers to tie their shoes. Honestly, if they are so stupid that they haven’t figured out how to tie their own shoes by now, torture really is...

People love to love, but I love to sleep, and that is why cats are closer to God than bricks are to blankets. –Cap’n Kintz

The unnatural and the strange have a perfume of their own

Dare to Differ

The chemists are a strange class of mortals, impelled by an almost insane impulse to seek their pleasures amid smoke and vapour, soot and flame, poisons and poverty; yet among all these evils I seem...

So I started shoveling Bob’s driveway, which is a strange thing to do at a New Years Eve Party

Strange, i thought i knew you well, thought i had read the sky, thought i had seen a change in your eyes.

In the strange dreams of man, there are stories that are unknowingly being built by them. Mine are among the billions that remain untold.

A brick could be used to build a house—or destroy it, one window at a time.

A brick could help get your unruly hair under control, by getting at the root of the problem—your skull. Increase force as necessary.

A brick could be used to trick a snake into leaving your pet mouse alone. That way you’re free to use the mouse as you want to, you pervert.

A brick could be used to instill courage in the cowardly. But training must begin at birth, and the weak identified while they are still hiding in the womb.

A blanket could be used as a distress symbol. You’ll know I’m in danger and in need of rescue, because I’ll be asleep and completely oblivious to my surroundings.

A brick could be used to determine whether you are really in love or not. But you’re never going to be able to tell for sure if you try to run the experiment with the...

A blanket could be used to smother a fire—but not the fire that burns in my heart for you. Or perhaps that’s merely heartburn, and you’re just as common as a brick.

A blanket can be rolled up, much like I roll up my emotions when I listen to political rhetoric.

I pee whilst seated. But it’s hard to focus with people honking at me.

A blanket could be used to suffocate our secret desires. And what do I secretly desire? I desire suffocation, and that is why I must suffocate my desire.

A brick could be used to raise your status as an upstanding citizen. Don’t get too excited, though. It’ll only raise you up about three inches.

A brick could be used as brain filler for the political mind, just in case one of our elected officials needs a brain transplant to try to boost their intellectual capabilities.

A blanket could be used like a Love Fleece. I imagine you’re shaking your head. Do you disagree? Fine, then when you’re shivering, I won’t ask if it’s because you’re cold—or because you’re lonely.

A brick could be broken—shattered—and then given as a gift, a jigsaw puzzle.

I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover.

The way the Army does things is sometimes a little strange.

I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because bricks aren’t aerodynamic. Yeah, right. I’d like to see someone make that claim...

Wow! This was one advanced society.”

A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you.

A brick could be used as a sex toy. Well, I say sex toy, but the politician strapped to the bed would probably say torture device.

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred.

If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.

I keep my love for her in the ashtray, along with the other stuff she burnt.

Today I had to cut my Silent and Still Statue Demonstration Ceremony short due to wind conditions. Tonight I’ll make love like a tornado.

What does it say about me that I don’t say much? It doesn’t say I love you, and that’s sad, because when I ignore you, that’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you.

I once tried to shave my mustache off with a toothbrush. Just one example of my skills as a lover.

It is not that the girl is unfit for everything, it is that she is not of this world.

A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out.

A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people. I’d be an ideal politician, because I believe in social progress.

When you’re on stage you have a very strange knowledge of what the audience is. It isn’t exactly a sound – it’s a hum, like the streets.

What a strange thing it is to recognize a sound like the shriek of a wounded animal, when you’ve never heard the shriek of a wounded animal.

People are complicated. Our behavior towards one another is strange. So I like opportunities to investigate that.

Every culture that’s ever existed has operated under the illusion that it understood 95% of reality and that the other 5% would be delivered in the next 18 months, and from Egypt forward they’ve been...

This is a strange game.

A haunted house could be used like a Band-Aid to stop a bleeding brick. But why stop the bleeding? Stab it a few more times and then sell tickets to the spectacle.

A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped and huge? That’s right—my penis sheath.

A blanket could be used to foil slave traders. But so could tinfoil and leftover meatloaf. Geez, the whole Civil War could have been avoided if only Lincoln had known that little trick.