As a lover I aim to please, and afterwards I aim at the toilet. Sometimes I miss, but no matter what, you’ll always receive splatters of intimacy.

When I make love I use protection. I wear rubber gloves.

Our two hands were held together by love—and adhesive. Let no man separate what God hath joined together! Is it crazy? Yes—Krazy Glue.

I drink trees, and I pee beavers. I know, you must imagine that I’m an exceptional lover. And I am! (I’m imagined, not an exceptional lover).

Two decaying racehorse carcasses would make a great bathtub. I’m a fast lover.

A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn’t always better. Don’t you want to make love better?

A blanket could be used as a makeshift trampoline, to attract midgets to your picnic. The great thing about dining with dwarves, is since they are little people, they eat very little.

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

I feel I am strange to all but the birds of America.

Using the device of an imaginary world allows me in some strange way to go to the central issues – it’s one of many ways to express feelings about real people, about real human relationships.

And I would have answered:”The knottier the branch, the more twisted and misshapen, the more bent people called it, the harder it is to find it a place among the smooth planks, the more people...

What in heaven’s name is strange about a grandmother dancing nude? I’ll bet lots of grandmothers do it.

There was a spring in his carefully measured step. He opened the door and let the sunlight in, as if opening himself up, letting pent-up energy out and, letting the world enter inside- letting the...

A blanket could be used to spot the blind. I’d spot Helen Keller nine points in a ten-point basketball game.

A blanket could be used to what the hell your way out of your neighbor’s bedroom.

A brick could be used to sell war to the peacemongers. The trick is to sell war cheap, because the real profit is in the renewals and extending the service as long as possible.

A brick could be used to illustrate your innocence. I can help you with that, because I brought a crayon.

A blanket could be used like cloud cover

transparent” administration.

Bye,” but to me it means food. Of the greetings, goodbye is the desert.

A brick and a blanket can be used as reasons to go on searching, when you’ve found all the obvious applications for the brick and the blanket—and immediately discarded them—but you lost the motivation to...

I’ve got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection.

A brick could be used to locate the precise coordinates of the Masons. Just follow the bricks—and follow the money.

Let my hand be a blanket for my penis.

I’ve got you covered. Just don’t hog all the blanket.

A blanket could be used to wipe away my tears. But it’d better be a blanket the size of America, because I’ve been crying since Andrew Jackson died.

A brick could be placed down on the first step on the path to enlightenment.

If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?

One of the strangest phenomena of our time, and one that will probably be a matter of astonishment to our decedents, is that doctrine which is founded upon this triple hypothesis: the radical passiveness of...

I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in disguise. Not even my clone could tell.

A brick could be used to build a color theory that red objects encapsulate rage. Don’t believe me? Think of all the red objects that inspire hate: stop lights, Nazi swastikas, and tomato juice.

A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a brick too?

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?

A brick can’t cure cancer. But who knows, maybe a brick combined with a blanket could. I’ll have to ask Dr. Burzynski about it.

Strange how complicated we can make things just to avoid showing what we feel!

I eat toast and ice—because bread and water just aren’t enough for me. I’m also an insatiable lover.

When I find the wind to say I love you, it will be breezy, like a hurricane.

I wish my nipples spiraled around and could play records. I could spin love songs while you made love to me like you were a DJ.

I put the hands in handsome. Then I put my penis in those hands. That’s some good-looking lovemaking.

I looked at him like a stranger, someone I’d never seen before, and he looked at me like I’d been lost to him for a thousand years and finally found.

A blanket could be used to deliver the darkness on a platter of light. But I’d eat my unborn children straight out of your uterus with a straw before I’d ever be a delivery guy...

A brick could be used to bring about a pantsless revolution. A zipper is just a gate holding you back, man.

I never drink anything hot; I don’t like hot drinks, very strange.

People do all sorts of things impulsively and follow those impulses into strange places.

The name Mary Jo Quinn was written neatly in faded blue marker on the front of the scrapbook, its gray edges frayed with age and wear, as though it had been handled often. Such a...

Its the strange people we meet in life, which makes it worth living !

Through Hamas, Iran has been able to buy itself a seat on the table in talking about the Palestinian issue. And, as a result, through Hamas it does play a role in the issue of...

A blanket could be used to quell the rebellion. Wait until all the men are asleep before you kill them, rape them, and declare victory. Actually, it would be better to rape the men before...

A brick could be used to cool your drink, like a large ice cube.

A brick could be used to make yourself taller. It’s like self-esteem, only easier to use in the construction of a house.