I talked to David yesterday, but since it is a statue, it didn’t talk back. I have to say, it was a better conversationalist than my last date.

Sometimes to make no move is to make the wrong move. That’s how I fell in love with a statue. We just sat still and I formed a connection.

When Bonaparte returned from Italy he called on Mr. Paine and invited him to dinner: in the course of his rapturous address to him he declared that a statue of gold ought to be erected...

Good art is like a sexy pair of lips—it has the potential to say so much, but prefers to have you do all the talking about it. Also, good art is fun to kiss and...

We even commissioned a smaller pair of these statues for the baggage claim area in the regular lobby. Gives all those Normal conspiracy nuts something to talk about besides the Blue Mustang. They think our...

What if a statue of me walked past my clone frozen in thought? Which one of the two would make a better quarterback than Geno Smith?

After I’m famous, I want my statue to be made out of beige Jell-O, and I want to be portrayed naked, so my genitals jiggle in the wind.

Heroes and scholars represent the opposite extremes… The scholar struggles for the benefit of all humanity, sometimes to reduce physical effort, sometimes to reduce pain, and sometimes to postpone death, or at least render it...

With friends like me, who needs mannequins? My love for you is statuesque. Come, let us dance like we’re made of stone.

I had a dream about you. You were trying to perfect the art of sexual intercourse, and I offered you the use of one of my statues to practice on. Artists have to stick together,...

The apathy of the people is enough to make every statue leap from its pedestal and hasten the resurrection of the dead.

..statues of saints in somebody else’s religion. To me they’re just rock shaped into glorified nobodies.

I’m stoic like a statue of Stonewall Jackson. I’d make a great U.S. President, but I’d make an even better chiseled piece of marble—and that’s what makes me such an amazing lover.

You can’t fuck a statue. At least not at that angle. You’d at least have to tip it onto its back first, and as a conservator, I can’t recommend it.

As a sculptor sculpts a statue, an educator educates our future generation. Beauty depends on the creator.

Love is on the move like a picture of a statue. I should know, because I painfully painted it.

I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue.

I had sex with a statue a few months ago. The sex was so still that I’m still wearing the condom.

I object to that object that’s made of bronze and shaped like my clone. It should be made of gold, and shaped like me.

Like a statue, I’m hairless. Also like a statue, I have hair. Let’s make love like a dandelion goes bald in the breeze.

My friends mess around with my friends—and my friends’ bikes. Sex with bicycles—that kind of love is just too fast for me. I’ll stick to sticking it in statues.

Love sounds like a trumpet mimicking a trombone. That’s one of my hobbies, when I’m not impersonating statues of mimes.

Love is a bronze statue sinking in quicksand. But if I hand you a lasso, will you try to save the statue—or use the lasso to hang yourself? If you need me, I’ll be here...

I make love like a mannequin mimicking a statue, only with less movement and more grunting.

If I painted a dog statue to look like a cat, the people would pet it. But why paint that when I could paint politicians as honest, for-the-people people?

My love for you is like food for a statue. My love is like anything from McDonald’s, because it will never decay and always looks brand new.