Psht, as if. You and what army could possibly rescue her from my clutches? -JEN

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won’t be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

Fifteen minutes later, Justin looks at his pint of blood with pride. He doesn’t want it to go to some stranger, he almost wants to bring it to the hospital himself, survey the wards and...

I am the Magic Chicken of Desire. Just add water. And a brick and a blanket.

A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you know?

A blanket could be used to swallow up the nightmares you used to have as a kid. Whatever happened to those bad dreams? I’ll bet your mom gave them to Good Will.

A blanket could be used as wrapping paper, to give the gift of a cat.

A blanket could be used to keep you warm on a cold night. Just pour some gasoline on it and light it on fire.

A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor.

A brick and a blanket can be used as reasons to go on searching, when you’ve found all the obvious applications for the brick and the blanket—and immediately discarded them—but you lost the motivation to...

A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim, after you karate chop them into submission.

A brick could be used to tell time. And just between you and me, I hope that brick tells time to go to hell.

A brick could be used to raise your status as an upstanding citizen. Don’t get too excited, though. It’ll only raise you up about three inches.

A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch your pass.

A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger.

A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip.

My mom gave me life, so I gave her batteries. AA batteries.

Mr. Williquosi, I didn’t mean to stab you in your gums with your fork. I was merely trying to spoon-feed you information.

Chopsticks”–only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll be using two forks.

A blanket could be used to suppress yawns. Just curl up in the technological wonder that is a blanket, lay your head back, and let the miracle of science cure your yawns.

A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity.

A brick and a blanket need a logo, and I’m just the designer to hire to sit around idly as I ideally charge you by the hour.

Nothing says work efficiency like panic mode.

I had to admit it was adorable. You know, in a unicorns-farting-out-rainbows kind of way that made me want to hurl.

A blanket could be used to rob a bank. Guns are so Bonnie and Clyde, but a blanket bank robbery has a certain amount of seduction involved. A blanket has a lot more banging involved...

until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.

They could all be random.

A brick could be used for note delivery, from the KKK.

She said my glasses made me look like a butch jock’s locker room bitch.

I walk into a room where peoples’ faces are as blank as chalk boards. the music picks up, the lighting becomes brighter and suddenly I am lifted off of my feet being spun by a...

Insane means fewer cameras!

A brick could be sawed in half and each half glued under the back of a shoe to form high heels.

A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I was too blind to hear. I’m hungry for a bowl full of mute, but my favorite restaurant is out of the Helen...

A brick could be used to crush the dreams of the little guy. Especially if that little guy’s dreams are roach like and scurrying across the kitchen floor.

A brick could be crushed, mixed with water, and drunk like a sports drink. And hey, with no bromated vegetable oil, it’s healthier than Gatorade.

Stop” as you hold out a stiff arm and just stand there. It might feel like you’re waiting your whole life for that train to stop, and quite possibly you will wait your whole life...

A flag could be used as a blanket, but a blanket couldn’t be used as a flag. A blanket provides real warmth, not the pseudo warmth that patriotism provides. A blanket-flag would leave you shivering—not...

A blanket could be used to eradicate the radical element that’s so pervasive and perverse in our society today. I’m talking about people sleeping in the nude, with nothing to cover their shame.

A blanket could be hung on your living room wall, and watched instead of nightly news. Not only would it be more honest, but it also would be more entertaining and thought provoking.

A brick could be used to enslave humanity. No wait, a brick can’t do that—but the Masons can.

I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top of my bed. I practice inefficiency even while I sleep, so I’ll be...

A brick could be used as a Disappointment Cube. Here, I’m giving mine to you, because you really bummed me out, man.

A brick could be used in the same manner as a magician’s hat could be used as a basketball. I’m not suggesting a brick replace a basketball, because that’d be silly. But not as silly...

A brick has eight edges and six sides. That’s nearly as many sides as a politician takes when discussing a binary issue.

A brick represents a single unit, weak and useless alone, but useful and powerful when organized and grouped with other bricks. So it is with man.

My name is Sam (my name is Am), and I am my own fan. I’m a clone of Jarod Kintz, and he supports my message.

I will never fit in becauseI wasn’t meant to

I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because bricks aren’t aerodynamic. Yeah, right. I’d like to see someone make that claim...

I design, manufacture, distribute, and sell elevator buttons. I specialize in the fourth floor. And I don’t mean to brag, but I’m such a good salesman that I could sell one of my fourth-floor elevator...

A brick could be used to foretell the future. But I’m the only one alive who knows how to make it work, and my occult knowledge can be rented out to you for $9.99 per...