A brick could be used to make music. But why not use something more humane, like your armpit.

I use blankets like armor for cold.

A brick could be used measure the volume of love in any given bathtub. But for the test to be accurate, I’m going to need you to disrobe and step down here. Don’t worry, I’m...

A brick could be used in speech therapy, to cure a stutter. I mean look at me, I don’t have a stutter. But to be fair, I never did have a stutter, so I can’t...

In my illustrious career as a university student, I turned in over 100 papers so that one day, in the end, I got 1 paper in return.

Be that as it may, it may be maybe, or it may be May, Bee.

The last time I checked, I wasn’t the one who tripped over a glass container of sugar that I had myself dropped… after, of course, having received several bruises from an attempt to retrieve a...

A brick could be substituted in for Rhode Island as a US state, because they’re roughly the same size, the have the same population (the brick may have one less person), and Grandma Kintz makes...

A brick represents my rationality, and a blanket represents my emotions. It’s robot versus mannequin, and to get a sense of who I am as a person, you need some mortar and a pillow.

A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you won’t need any additional security. Years will go by and nobody will steal...

Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny...

A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn’t always better. Don’t you want to make love better?

A brick could be used to sell tickets to a new sport called Glurping. If you think it sounds disgusting now, wait until you see it live!

A blanket could be used for a soft opening of a new casino. The softer the better, I always say. Well, I don’t always say that. I say other stuff too.

Having random sex the way Tania did sounded kinda…hollow. I didn’t want to live in a Hollowland.

A blanket is a tell-all story about its endeavors with certain highly publicized people and their somewhat promiscuous acts.

Well blow me down with a solar flare.

Never be too confident or ndomdoubtful when everything is uncertain in this world.

A brick could create a clear winner in a fight if instead of fighting pillows against blankets, you fought bricks against blankets.

A brick could be used to practice your telepathic levitation. If you can lift the brick, you’ll lift your spirits.

A brick could be used to dink like a dunk, if the thunk of the think has enough verticalocity to it.

Bricks could be used to generate smiles among the general population. Just hand them out, along with handshakes, and say, This will make everything OK. And guess what? They’ll believe you.

A blanket could be used to warm the hearts of all the nonbelievers. We are all nonbelievers, because nobody believes in everything.

A brick could be used to manipulate people into doing what you want. If anything could offer one man an unfair advantage over another, it’s a brick—especially if that brick is made of gold.

Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me, and that chicken was delicious.

A blanket could be used to smother a fire—but not the fire that burns in my heart for you. Or perhaps that’s merely heartburn, and you’re just as common as a brick.

A blanket can be rolled up, much like I roll up my emotions when I listen to political rhetoric.

It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to 8:59 pm.

A brick could be used for bric-a-brac. If you bring the brick, I’ll bring the brac.

A brick could be used to destroy your mannequin lover. It’s the only proper thing to do. Remember, I was the one who warned you about dating a politician.

A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container. That way it’ll stay fresher for longer.

A brick could be used as motivation to acquire more bricks. Hey, I’m just trying to help here. Don’t shut me out by building a wall between us.

A brick could be used to keep warm, and a blanket could be used to build a house.

I invented underwear with only one leg hole, for people who like to concentrate on frozen orange juice while bungee jumping from a tampon string.

My late summer shorts caught fire, and that’s when all the red of autumn began. We fell in love while she roasted marshmallows over my toasty genitals.

A brick could be affixed to each end of an axle, for an example of transportation in a pre-wheel society.

One blanket, coupled with a fluffy pillow, could be implemented as a torture device for insomniacs.

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?

A brick could be used as a steak knife, and a fly swatter could be used as a meat tenderizer.

lying in bed with Johnny Depp sussing out which males are what kind of pet from their clothes.

A brick could be used to show support for your favorite team. They want to crush their opponents, and if you’ve got the arm strength and accuracy, you should do everything in your power to...

People love to love, but I love to sleep, and that is why cats are closer to God than bricks are to blankets. –Cap’n Kintz

A woman cannot ever be sure of not being married till she is buried, Mrs. Doctor, dear, and meanwhile I will make a batch of cherry pies.

Twenty-two is just such a random age. It’s a little blah.

Look up, always. Look back, never.

Why?’ He asked.’Why what?’ What could I say? Noah, despite you being an asshole, or maybe because of it, I’d like to rip off your clothes and have your babies. Don’t tell.

One time, in New Orleans at a youth convention for my church, I read out of the phone book during a talent show. I made it all the way to ‘J’ before people started booing.

I don’t want you out of my life… ever. I’m not scared of you at all. I’m pretty fucking scared of your dad, but that’s a typical guy reaction to any girl’s dad. -KANE

A brick could be used to get a new job. Hire me! I have a brick, and I’m not afraid to use it.

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.