Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Hay relaciones en las que las palabras dice amistad, pero los ojos gritan romance.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

It’s a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y’know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.

Just don’t take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.

I just can’t listen to any more Wagner, you know…I’m starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom…and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y’know.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

Having sex is like bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat…college,

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will – and an eraser!

Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

[…] I’ve come to the conclusion that the artist can not justify life or come up with a cogent reason as to why life is meaningful, but the artist can provide you with a cold...

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

What is fascinating is that it is physical. You know, that’s one thing about intellectuals, they’ve proved that you can be absolute brilliant and have no idea what’s going on. But on the other hand,...

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Marriage is the death of hope.

All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.

I read in self-defense.

It’s a match made in heaven…by a retarded angel.

What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.