Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

[…] I’ve come to the conclusion that the artist can not justify life or come up with a cogent reason as to why life is meaningful, but the artist can provide you with a cold...

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

What is fascinating is that it is physical. You know, that’s one thing about intellectuals, they’ve proved that you can be absolute brilliant and have no idea what’s going on. But on the other hand,...

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Marriage is the death of hope.

All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.

I read in self-defense.

It’s a match made in heaven…by a retarded angel.

What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I hate when art becomes a religion. I feel the opposite. When you start putting a higher value on works of art than people, you’re forfeiting your humanity.” – Woody Allen

End production today. Wrap party as usual a little sad. Slow danced with Scarlett. Broke her toe. Not my fault. When she dipped me back, I stepped on it.Penélope and Javier anxious to work with...

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

If it turns out that there is a God…the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.

I’m not a drinker, my body won’t tolerate…eh…spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

Raining. Oh, brother, a scratch on the fender. Damn rabbi on his unicycle.Wait a minute, where are my car keys? Could have sworn I left them in this pocket. No, just some loose change and...

If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.

I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier,...

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Mary: Il sesso senza amore è un’esperienza vuota!-Isaac: Beh, ma tra le esperienze vuote è una delle migliori.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to...

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

Is sex dirty? Only when it’s being done right.

Seja como for, as pessoas dedicadas à religião não querem reconhecer a realidade que contradiz o seu conto de fadas. Se realmente vivermos num universo sem Deus, elas perdem o emprego. O fluxo de dinheiro...

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

One day about a month ago, I really hit bottom. You know, I just felt that in a Godless universe, I didn’t want to go on living. Now I happen to own this rifle, which...