I look like Barbara Bush in drag.” Aunt Jettie

Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let’s just say if I’m ever in the market for a massage involving canola oil and marabou feathers, I’m covered.

Stupid werewolf ninja sperm.

Well, if that’s true, I wasted a hell of a lot of money on panty hose and lipstick.” Jettie snorted.

I think the very word stalking implies that you’re not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called ‘fluffy harmless observation time’.

Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That’s how you can tell I’m inexperienced? Because, if so, that’s just rude. And what were you doing at...

…I supplied in a tone so saccharine that it should have tipped him off that his testicular health was in serious peril.

Misery, thy name is Mudslide

I think it would be best if you came down from there before I explained that.””I think I’ll stay right where I am, thank you,” I said. “And you, you stay where you are, or...

Up until two years ago, I was one of the top-selling real estate agents in the tricounty area. I went to a convention in Boca Raton. I had one too many margaritas, met a tall,...

Why not? If you’re not going to let me see you naked, we might as well be girlfriends.””You’re a twisted little man.””Come on, Stretch, share with the class.””No!” I laughed.”Prude.””Perv.””Schoolmarm.””Some other word that essentially means...

To say I had some pent-up anger would be like saying Britney Spears had minor impulse-control issues.

It seems kind of light for a dozen books. I think it’s probably that unnatural number of Jason Statham DVDs you ordered.”He has to have filmed a nude scene at some point in his career....

Fortunately, among werewolf women, the word “bitch” is not offensive. I was having a lot of fun with that.”Hey there, bitches!” I called as I came through the door. “What are my favorite bitches up...

I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor/host. He even left the front door unpadlocked.

Ophelia was beating some poor underling for not knowing her arse from the sparse collection of cells between her ears.

You are the night.””I am the night,” I repeated.”You are the night.”I cocked my head, sending him a questioning look. “I am the night?””Jane!””Why is it that when you say my name, it sounds like...

I don’t care what tomorrow brings, as long as I have you.

You laugh because you haven’t heard my mother’s thirty-minute verbal dissertation on appropriate seasonal flower choices. We’re better off letting her yell at us for being dirty, premarital fornicators.

Don’t worry about being nervous. A lot of vampires have trouble with this from time to time. It happens to everyone.””If I was a forty-year-old man suffering from erectile dysfunction, that would be a great...

Love? Love is for children and poor people…

Sophie was a walking truth serum. If she was touching bare skin, she could yank the truth out of you like a loose tooth. I’d spent several unpleasant hours in her company during the Council’s...

Did you just quote Green Eggs and Ham?

I offered you a choice, and you took it.”I shot him what I hoped was a truly scathing glare. “Some choice. I was dying. Some drunk shot me from a pickup. Why wouldn’t I have...

Don’t tell them he’s upstairs , I commanded my brain. Tell them he moved to Pacoima to start a commune for vegetarian vampires. Tell them he’s looking into getting a sex-change operation and renaming himself...

Are you going to answer my questions, or do I have to whack you with a stick until delicious candy surprises fall out?

Wait until you meet my family. At Thanksgiving, we kill everything we can find, put it into a pot, and call it ‘holiday gumbo’.

Maybe the problem was that we never struggled. We just coasted along. The thing about coasting is that it usually means you’re going downhill.

Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet…Ew, did you…?””Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him...

Hi Maggie, it’s nice to see you again,’ he said, smiling so sweetly I thought I might need insulin.

Not to be rude, but it was all pointless,” I noted from across the room. Four eyes narrowed at me. “What? I said ‘not to be rude’. That’s like saying ‘God bless them’ right after...

Mama operated under the assumption that I was eight years old and incapable of feeding myself. It was physically impossible for her to cross my threshold without some form of nourishment. She once offered me...

I’ve never done this before. I didn’t go to human bars. Mudslides aside, I’m not much of a drinker. Club people are not my people. Now, book-club people—

If looks could kill…well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing.”See Dick,” Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. “Jane. Dick...

Hubert’s wife, Mindy, was a tiny powerhouse of a woman with a halo of wild blond hair and eye makeup so complex it took me a while to locate her pupils. She was clearly the...

Contrary to popular myth, werewolves myth, werewolves are born, not made. No matter how many times they bite someone, that person will not turn, though they will probably bleed profusely and will definitely be annoyed.

I wanted to call you, but I find myself feeling…awkward when it comes to you.””‘Awkward’ is the word du jour,” I agreed. “So, I make you nervous?””Not quite nervous,” he said. “Just unsettled.”I wriggled my...

He was always ‘checking in’ to see if I needed any help with my campaign, which on the surface seemed nice enough, but it was done in a condescending tone that made me want to...