I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and we’re stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words....

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time...

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Sports fans eat shit.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue....

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

You’re just another american who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being shoved up your asshole every day… The owners of this country know the truth… it’s called the American...

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. ‘200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore’ is...

I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I think is important. Words are my work, they’re my play. They’re my passion. Words are...

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can’t be sure. If it...

Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things...

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn’t afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually,...

This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer...

I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward,...

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain.America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies.

He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he’s a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done....

The decay and disintegration of this culture is astonishingly amusing if you are emotionally detached from it. I have always viewed it from a safe distance, knowing I don’t belong; it doesn’t include me, and...

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