I think religion is a neurological disorder.

New Rule: You can’t put a windmill in your campaign ad if you voted against every single bill that might lead to someone building one. As long as you’re sending a camera crew to a...

Sticking one’s head in the sand is a deep human impulse. Like when you feel some kind of bump or growth on the back of your neck, and your heart jumps, because, Christ, that could...

We’re all gonna be gay if we get health care!

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it’s not because he’s gifted. It’s because intellectually, you’re a child.

New Rule: Apple’s next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring....

But what is it that drives haters crazy with rage? Many times, it’s being ignored. To a person with pride, being ignored is often worse than out-and-out hate; it’s that much more of an insult,...

I don’t want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?

But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men.

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.

New Rule: It’s okay for the president to play ball in the house. It’s easy to judge and say this scene detracts from the dignity of the White House–until you consider the end zone is...

It’s a funny thing about Americans, we love to bitch about paying too much for the things we really need and are really a bargain, like gas and postage stamps, but we willingly shell out...

That’s not water. That’s socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie.

Be out of the mainstream. I’m out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

My bank must stop trying to sell me identity theft protection. You know why I expect you to protect my money? Because you’re a bank.

New Rule: You’re never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don’t look like you’re sensitive, you look like you’re homeless.The last guy to pick...

This is the opposite of the free market.

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I agree’.

New Rule: You don’t have to teach both sides of a debate if one side is a load of crap. President Bush recently suggested that public schools should teach “intelligent design” alongside the theory of...

Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.

New Rule: Conservatives have to stop complaining about Hollywood values. It’s Oscar time again, which means two things: (1) I’ve got to get waxed, and (2) talk-radio hosts and conservative columnists will trot out their...

Of course, we in the West like to pat ourselves on the back and say we’re more tolerant, and we are–but tolerance is not the same thing as acceptance. It just means, “We think you’re...

And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it’s us against the world.

I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

New Rule: You can’t force the ATM to do something it doesn’t want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you’ve been standing there punching buttons for ten...

We convince ourselves that even our shameless waste, our unchecked consumption and our appalling ignorance of anyplace in the world except our own little corner must continue–or they win! No, when you become smarter and...

I’m not talking to you.

New Rule: If you’re one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog’s...

New Rule: There’s only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming Religulous the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate...

Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns.

It’s not that we don’t care–it’s just that that we’d prefer not to get involved.

New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you’re not visiting wineries in four days because you’re an oenophile, you’re doing it because you’re a drunk. It’s the only place in America...

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.

Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers.

New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it’s three days later, I’m in the desert, I’m banging on a drum, I’m...

Faced with our addiction to oil, what does our leadership say? Get more of it! Strange when you consider their answer to drug dependence is to cut off the supply.

Isn’t it time we asked ourselves, are we willing to accept any behavior codified within religious or cultural practice? Is there no line to be drawn? If honor killings are okay, then why not virgin...

It is not a surprise that a person would want to be a prophet. What’s ridiculous is that other people let him.

Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don’t have all the answers to think that they do. Most people would think it’s wonderful when someone says ‘I’m willing lord, I’ll do whatever you...

New Rule: Republicans must stop pitting the American people against the government. Last week, we heard a speech from Republican leader Bobby Jindal–and he began it with the story that every immigrant tells about going...

We were asked to do very little, and we responded. That’s the bargain we tacitly make with our presidents: we won’t ask too much of you, if you don’t ask too much of us.

New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out...

Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that’s what he is!

Jesus is great — is there a better role model? No. It’s religion, it’s the people who get in between — the bureaucracy, you know. … It’s the way people abuse Jesus. Was there ever...

New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it’s animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place...

He sold Syria way better than he sold this.

New Rule: The White House doesn’t have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don’t pretend we can’t take it. We’ve seen pictures of Britney Spears’s vagina getting out of a car. Television has...

I’m a stoner, and I vote.