the strangest life exists in the cracks

My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.

I love you,” say nothing. Just grab a brick, cradle it with both hands like a kitten, and hold it out to the other person. Whether you want the other person to leave, or whether...

A brick has no legs, so it probably slithers like a snake. Therefore, a brick might make a good pet. And at least you wouldn’t have to walk it.

A blanket could be considered part of performance art, if you’re inconsiderate and steal all the covers while we’re asleep—and film me shivering and twitching in the night.

A demonic reaper asked to be my valentine and then killed his crazy ex-girlfriend to save my life. Tomorrow I was starting up antipsychotic meds.

A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.

A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism.

This capacity to fold the completely weird into daily life, to make the aliens ourselves, is a quality I look for in a good, weird book.

Teens are not like the weird, dumb dwarves you have around your house. They are actually you when you were younger.

No, really. Just do it. You have some kind of weird reasons that are okay.

For some reason, a lot of you reject what you hear and see in your heads. If you go too long ignoring it, it builds up and then you do all sorts of weird things....

I know that. What’s your point?

There’s a movie called ‘Pod People’ that has a weird little anteater alien. That was a good alien.

A blanket could be used to aid a sinner’s nightly prayer. I’m not shaking because I’m cold—I’m trembling with trepidation over the Wrath of God.

A brick could be used to dink like a dunk, if the thunk of the think has enough verticalocity to it.

Bricks could be used to generate smiles among the general population. Just hand them out, along with handshakes, and say, This will make everything OK. And guess what? They’ll believe you.

A blanket could be used to warm the hearts of all the nonbelievers. We are all nonbelievers, because nobody believes in everything.

A blanket could be used as a distress symbol. You’ll know I’m in danger and in need of rescue, because I’ll be asleep and completely oblivious to my surroundings.

A brick could be used to determine whether you are really in love or not. But you’re never going to be able to tell for sure if you try to run the experiment with the...

Bricks could be used to replace stop signs. Some people won’t stop at stop signs, but everybody will stop for a brick wall.

I have a fist like a brick, but I don’t punch through walls—I build them and become them.

A blanket could be used to make you laugh, and a joke could be used to keep you warm inside.

A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the rouge of a brick.

A brick could be used to represent society as a whole. But to represent society as a half, I’d recommend using either a full carton of half and half, or a half-full carton of whole...

If my semen had chunks of crumbled brick in it, would you use yogurt to try to impregnate your fireplace?

You can build with brick, and you can also destroy with a brick.

He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.

Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work,...

One brick could be used to do the work of two men, if both men are dead. In this case, a blanket could be used to cover up their decomposing corpses.

A brick could be used as a logo for a company called Blanket. A right turn signal in the left turn only lane could be used to represent a company called Brick.

A brick would make a great stocking stuffer at Christmas—especially if you chisel it out of the fireplace the stocking is hanging from. Let the homeowner know how much you care.

Being weird adds spice to life. Having weird friends just deepens the flavor

A blanket could be used to rob a bank. Guns are so Bonnie and Clyde, but a blanket bank robbery has a certain amount of seduction involved. A blanket has a lot more banging involved...

A brick could be used as a book cover. Talk about hardcover!

Made weird children–will die proud. -Rachel Pealer

When a woman is very, very bad, she is awful, but when a man is correspondingly good, he is weird.

I think probably the scariest thing, as weird as it sounds, was ‘The Wizard of Oz’ and the flying monkeys with the witch. I remember seeing that – it still seems freaky.

We have the best rats in town!

We’re a rock group. we’re noisy, rowdy, sensational and weird.

The More Interesting Than.” I would say get Miley Cyrus to do it, but she isn’t interesting enough.

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.

A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a...

A brick can and should be used as a telephone, because that way I won’t feel so bummed out that she never calls me.

The Titanic.” Surely a brick with that name would never sink.

Sleep with family is a napkin (nap plus kin), and I used a napkin as a blanket.

A brick could be used as a weight to keep the cardboard cutout of the Federal Government from blowing over. Well, at least unless a hurricane gets here, which would mean the government knocked down...

leadership” in Washington DC—on both sides of the political spectrum.

Bricks could be used to fill Fort Knox. I know, I know. You’re probably thinking, if we fill Fort Knox with bricks, where will we keep all the gold that’s kept there? I still need...

A brick could be used to let that special someone in your life know how much you love them. Instead of tossing out a careless I love you, try tossing a brick at them instead.