I had a dream about you. Dinner for two turned into dinner for three when you told me you were pregnant. I was excited, but a little nervous, because we were at a fancy restaurant...

I have a “Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup” dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.

One should not have to walk into a restaurant and greet the staff to get good service. They should be greeting me and give me good service.

I love food that carries food. Run, waiter, before I eat you too.

A man who goes into a restaurant and blatantly disrespects the servers shows a strong discontent with his own being. Deep down he knows that restaurant service is the closest thing he will ever experience...

One time, I went to a restaurant and I asked the waiter for some food for thought. He left, came back, and tried shoving a sirloin in my ear.

A good server knows how to be seen, yet remain invisible. I was a great server, and I achieved invisibility by never showing up for work. My boss ended up firing me, probably over petty...

I gave her a sideways bitter beer smirk, and then I ripped a whole chicken apart and threw it at the waiter and said, This place is too weird for me.

The little waiter’s eyebrows wandered about his forehead in confusion.

Quitters don’t gain what they have started working on; waiters don’t start what they could have gained. What is common there is failure.

If an actor’s neither talented nor handsome, what difference is there between him and any other waiter? That reminds me, my drink needs refilling.

I want to be an actor. I’ve already started taking steps. Yesterday I applied to be a waiter.

I serve the people. Am I a politician? No, I’m just a greedy and corrupt waiter.