I’ve got you covered. Just don’t hog all the blanket.

A blanket could be used to wipe away my tears. But it’d better be a blanket the size of America, because I’ve been crying since Andrew Jackson died.

A brick could be placed down on the first step on the path to enlightenment.

If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?

One of the strangest phenomena of our time, and one that will probably be a matter of astonishment to our decedents, is that doctrine which is founded upon this triple hypothesis: the radical passiveness of...

I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in disguise. Not even my clone could tell.

A brick could be used to build a color theory that red objects encapsulate rage. Don’t believe me? Think of all the red objects that inspire hate: stop lights, Nazi swastikas, and tomato juice.

A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a brick too?

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?

A brick can’t cure cancer. But who knows, maybe a brick combined with a blanket could. I’ll have to ask Dr. Burzynski about it.

Strange how complicated we can make things just to avoid showing what we feel!

I eat toast and ice—because bread and water just aren’t enough for me. I’m also an insatiable lover.

When I find the wind to say I love you, it will be breezy, like a hurricane.

I wish my nipples spiraled around and could play records. I could spin love songs while you made love to me like you were a DJ.

I put the hands in handsome. Then I put my penis in those hands. That’s some good-looking lovemaking.

I looked at him like a stranger, someone I’d never seen before, and he looked at me like I’d been lost to him for a thousand years and finally found.

A blanket could be used to deliver the darkness on a platter of light. But I’d eat my unborn children straight out of your uterus with a straw before I’d ever be a delivery guy...

A brick could be used to bring about a pantsless revolution. A zipper is just a gate holding you back, man.

I never drink anything hot; I don’t like hot drinks, very strange.

People do all sorts of things impulsively and follow those impulses into strange places.

The name Mary Jo Quinn was written neatly in faded blue marker on the front of the scrapbook, its gray edges frayed with age and wear, as though it had been handled often. Such a...

Its the strange people we meet in life, which makes it worth living !

Through Hamas, Iran has been able to buy itself a seat on the table in talking about the Palestinian issue. And, as a result, through Hamas it does play a role in the issue of...

A blanket could be used to quell the rebellion. Wait until all the men are asleep before you kill them, rape them, and declare victory. Actually, it would be better to rape the men before...

A brick could be used to cool your drink, like a large ice cube.

A brick could be used to make yourself taller. It’s like self-esteem, only easier to use in the construction of a house.

A brick could be translated into Spanish, and then used to landscape a lawn.

A brick could be used as a replacement for an erection. Hey, I did it in the early 2000s, and I gave birth to the housing bubble. Well, I didn’t literally give birth to it,...

My hand acts as a blanket for my genitals.

A blanket could be used to eradicate the radical element that’s so pervasive and perverse in our society today. I’m talking about people sleeping in the nude, with nothing to cover their shame.

A blanket could be hung on your living room wall, and watched instead of nightly news. Not only would it be more honest, but it also would be more entertaining and thought provoking.

There may be a sucker born every minute, but every 30 seconds a lollipop pops out.

A brick could be used to enhance your sex life. So what are you waiting for? Get that gerbil out of your pants

Do either a brick or a blanket have Buddha nature? The answer is yes and no and maybe, in a Triangle of Truth where there is no is, and there is no isn’t.

A brick could be used to divide two people, and then conquer both of them.

A brick could be used to assuage your sense that life isn’t real. Hold it in your hands and say, This is not a dream.

A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it’s everything a politician isn’t.

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.

Dear Ford,I think my Ford Explorer door is broken. It just won’t close. I think this is because I don’t have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door.It’s a passenger-side door, and...

A blanket could be used as a duvet, in the fight against elitism.

A brick could be placed in an empty circular room, so that when you tell a dunce to go stand in the corner, he won’t feel so stupid and will know where to go.

Let’s make love in the library—in the romance section.

A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a brick may be dumb, but at least it isn’t dumb and interfering in...

I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people.

My love is in the shape of a car, and when it hits you you’ll notice.

Love in a box. It’s a gift—for both of us, from both of us.

My love for her is as nuanced as a Nancy, and I wish her name were Nancy so I could more effectively convey my love for her.

She had no legs, so I made her wear suspenders and I carried her like a backpack. True love knows no luggage.

I waffled over the issue like a pancake with texture similar to the bottom of a 1970s track shoe. I ran through all sides, and decided it’s love.

I’ll do it very quickly and spontaneously. I expect that it will be slightly strange and bizarre, but catchy at the same time.