Why do you have to be so damn cryptic?

Blankets could be used as tents. That would free up tents to be used as portable sex stalls.

A blanket could be used to sell your winningest product to your loserest customer. Oh, loserest is a word. I know, because I just wrote it.

A blanket could be used like so many poor people get used and then thrown away like a sack of baloney that’s started to turn green. It’s sad really, when you consider all the sandwiches...

I make love like a brick could be used as toilet paper. Sure, it’s rough, but I thought you liked that shit.

A brick could be used as a medallion on the end of a necklace, much like human testicles aren’t used. It’s a shame, really, because when you think of all things dangly, male genitals drop...

A blanket could be used to battle the cold, but not battle an army with swords, bayonets, and other sharp objects (unless the opposing army is armed only with sharp words).

A brick could be used as a weight to keep the cardboard cutout of the Federal Government from blowing over. Well, at least unless a hurricane gets here, which would mean the government knocked down...

leadership” in Washington DC—on both sides of the political spectrum.

A brick could be used to enslave humanity. No wait, a brick can’t do that—but the Masons can.

I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top of my bed. I practice inefficiency even while I sleep, so I’ll be...

A brick could be used to let that special someone in your life know how much you love them. Instead of tossing out a careless I love you, try tossing a brick at them instead.

A brick could be used in the same manner as a magician’s hat could be used as a basketball. I’m not suggesting a brick replace a basketball, because that’d be silly. But not as silly...

A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to a wall of privacy.

A brick could be used as a response when the cops ask you if you murdered your mother-in-law. Forget yes or no. Well, forget yes altogether, but use brick for every response except one: What...

Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt...

My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.

A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried...

A blanket could be used to find the Brick of Truth. Many lies will be layered on the Brick of Truth to try to cover it up, but the blanket will cover up all the...

The remote isn’t broke—it just needs batteries. Well, it’s the same with my love.

A blanket could be considered part of performance art, if you’re inconsiderate and steal all the covers while we’re asleep—and film me shivering and twitching in the night.

The Sweater Song.” Cats find that song very cleansing.

A big slice of the strange, a zap to the synaptic net, the shock of unending Otherness moistened with meaning, special stinks, grace notes, blaring daylight that illuminated without instructing. A marathon that addicted.To wake...

Love, it’s like catching barrels in a fish.

I didn’t have time to grow out a beard, so I glued a wig on instead. I make love like a hare in a tortoise shell.

I won’t die for my love—but I will live for her, which is much harder and more impactful.

People are temporary, but love is eternal.

I welcome all You’re Welcomes with open arms and open zippers. My love for her is sandwiched between two slices of Thank You.

Bricks could be used to promote social progress. If we could amass enough bricks to build a prison big enough to cage every citizen, then everybody would be equal. And I think our current political...

A blanket could be used to make magical music. And no, I’m not talking about sex and wailing orgasms, you pervert. That’s my sister you’re thinking about. And it’s particularly disgusting and disturbing because I...

What does homophobia look like when it’s stripped bare of fancy costumes like family values and tradition? It looks like that group of strange, angry people who protest at the funerals of U.S. soldiers who’ve...

Americans like the British kind of quirkiness and the strange accent. They find it kind of cute or something, with a certain charm.

Love messes you up and makes you do strange things

There is an anaesthetic of familiarity, a sedative of ordinariness which dulls the senses and hides the wonder of existence. For those of us not gifted in poetry, it is at least worth while from...

It’s strange how time can make a place shrink, make its strangeness ordinary.

Why a slow death in a strange country if you can die on the threshold of your own house?Refugees don’t exist.Only blown away people exist,people blown by the windall over the world.

With these words there came the rending scream of a shattered stirk and an angry troubling of the branches as the poor madman percolated through the sieve of a sharp yew, a wailing black meteor...

We have overcome the notion that mathematical truths have an existence independent and apart from our own minds. It is even strange to us that such a notion could ever have existed.

A blanket could be used as a smothering agent, sort of like an employee of the NSA.

A brick could be slid on a wood floor, like a rolling bowling ball, in an attempt to fill the seconds between swallows of beer.

Brick!”

With one blanket, you and I could wrap up like a burrito. Yum. And if you want melted cheese, just fart a bit.

A brick could be used as a Red Beard Replacement, for those of us who can’t grow facial hair, but desire the respect a beard brings.

A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big. Oh yes, it’s as big as this lie is.

Several famous people have licked my nipples. Well, indirectly. First they licked the stamps, and then I peeled them off the letters and stuck them on my nipples.

A blanket could be used to create another way. There is no other way but to make another way. We simply must!

A brick could be used in a manner most secret. But Shh! I can’t tell you. What part about secret don’t you understand?

A brick could be used to revive the spiritual movement in America. But are we as a people willing to accept the unacceptable into our lives? Sadly, I’m afraid I’m crying at the answer, which...

A brick could be used as a dream stimulator. Just tap it gently against your forehead. And if the mechanism gets stuck, just slam it down on your skull to jar everything loose.

A brick could be used in place of a diamond on a wedding ring. Your wife’s probably going to divorce you and take the house anyway, so you might as well give her the first...