I just wanted laughs – that’s really what I was after.

It’s always good to take something that’s happened in your life and make something of it comedically.

Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m Jewish.

In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my...

When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to...

I don’t have many friends.

Drugs scared me.

I have reservations about everything I do.

I’m not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There’s no closure.

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn’t involve a woman.

I’m anti-cheese in a salad.

I’m one of the idiots that negotiates after I write.

Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.

I’m not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.

Religion doesn’t play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don’t think I’ve ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word...

I couldn’t be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the...

I don’t like people cleaning my room.

I’m not quite as anonymous as I was.

I just feed off the energy of the audience.

I’m a walking, talking enigma. We’re a dying breed.

I’ve led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.

It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.

I’m still driving a Prius, yeah.

I think we’re all good and bad, but good’s not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.

It has to do – I think – with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out,...

Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.

There’s a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.

I gave a funny speech at my wife’s birthday party, and I’m thinking, ‘Hey, I’ve still got it.’

My life has changed. I’m not walking around any more wishing I wasn’t me, which was the case at one time.

I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair… Change my...

It’s not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn’t happen that often.

If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not?

Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.

I have quite a house. People come over and I go, ‘I know, I’m sorry.’

Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I’m – basically inside, I’m a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over.

Woody Allen likes to do a lot of master shots. He likes to get the whole thing in one take, and so you could be going along doing a scene, and then the next to...

The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it’s the best of both worlds. There’s a...

People don’t yell nasty things at actors – they let them continue.

Millions of people are married. I’ve never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married!

When I was living in New York and didn’t have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I’d think, that’ll be...

Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!

Most of the time I’m thinking, I’m glad that scene was improvised.

It’s that I wasn’t suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear – mainstream comedy.

Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I’m very casual about it.

I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.

My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.

I don’t write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that’s going to happen. There’s an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then...

Perhaps I have a wider range than I’d given myself credit for.