I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.

I’m cranky.

I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.

You know, I’m really not that bright.

There’s nothing that reflects me. I’m unreflectable!

Anytime I’m involved with anything that’s well-received, it’s a surprise to me.

You write about what you know.

Sure, being a reservist wasn’t as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.

If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.

I think golf is literally an addiction. I’m surprised there’s not Golf Anonymous.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

I’m a walking, talking enigma.

Whenever something good happens to me, it’s usually followed by something terrible.

All of a sudden I discovered that I’m allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of...

I guess I still feel that I’m a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn’t mean that I like it, but...

Golf and dating don’t mix.

At first, I didn’t realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.

I have no secrets.

I don’t like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.

I’ve been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don’t need to know anymore.

I think that what people imagine they’re going through is much worse than what they are going through.

I just wanted laughs – that’s really what I was after.

It’s always good to take something that’s happened in your life and make something of it comedically.

Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m Jewish.

In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my...

When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to...

I don’t have many friends.

Drugs scared me.

I have reservations about everything I do.

I’m not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There’s no closure.

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn’t involve a woman.

I’m anti-cheese in a salad.

I’m one of the idiots that negotiates after I write.

Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.

I’m not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.

Religion doesn’t play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don’t think I’ve ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word...

I couldn’t be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the...

I don’t like people cleaning my room.

I’m not quite as anonymous as I was.

I just feed off the energy of the audience.

I’m a walking, talking enigma. We’re a dying breed.

I’ve led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.

It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.

I’m still driving a Prius, yeah.

I think we’re all good and bad, but good’s not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.

It has to do – I think – with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out,...

Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.

There’s a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.

I gave a funny speech at my wife’s birthday party, and I’m thinking, ‘Hey, I’ve still got it.’

My life has changed. I’m not walking around any more wishing I wasn’t me, which was the case at one time.