I can’t prove it yet know it when I seem it.

First, let me finish. Then interrupt.

Our archaeological ancestry lost hair while growing sweat glands to reduce panting in the hot African sun. One outcome evolved the origin of our speech. Another conquered our ability to shut the hell up and...

All porn stars on Animal Farm are equal but some porn scenes are more unequal than others.

A bind is when you’re quadriplegic, suicidal about that and unable to persuade your best friend to murder you.

Fifty percent of life is ninety percent indecisive. The rest is confusing.

If life was fair … one third of the people would comprise of judges and lawyers … one third of police and prison officials … and one third of legislators … and one third more...

Spare the rod and spoil the Memorial Day rotisserie.

He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword … unless he’s a general.

The shot glass is half drunk.

Where have you been all of your life?

My secret to maintaining a youthful appearance? Immaturity.

Nice days are more unsafe. There are more of them.

Peace ain’t worth fighting for.

Psych ward clocks, depressed, nudge like anxious calendars.

The glass is completely full…of shit.

Psychosis is person less persona, raving sincerity.

I love objectivity when mine.

I’m all groan up in America.

Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.

I chase my dreams through nightmares.

If you want to commit suicide why tell anyone? They’d ruin everything.

Dreams don’t come true, they are true.

I dreamed of being special then awoke to be unique.

Dad got furious when we lied to him. No, Dad got furious then we lied to him.

Honesty is the best insurance policy.

It’s not how I take tragic news but how I make tragic views that unscrews me.

Okay, you won our shitty little argument. Pass the world.

Babies are never suicidal. Hard lives, not hard boiled eggs do that.

The brain is unreliable. It relies on lies.

The fine line between genius and madness is a punch line. Duck, you idiot!

Nostalgia was never what it used to be.

All surgery and no makeup make Jack a dull girl.

You can’t stop a man from stopping himself.