Of all the things I own, I’m most sentimental about my shoes, because they’ve traveled with me every step of my journey.

Several famous people have licked my nipples. Well, indirectly. First they licked the stamps, and then I peeled them off the letters and stuck them on my nipples.

Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.

I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.

I always wear gloves, so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worried about fingerprints. Plus, it saves on buying hand sanitizer.

A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only your clone. And besides being the perfect gift, it’d also be a surprise,...

Some writers aren’t writers, they are mere escapees’ and refugees’ on an exile from the jungle of thoughts.

The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.

Funny Bone” must have been a masochist, because hitting it is not funny at all…

If I hung out with Van Gogh, I don’t know what we’d do. We’d just play it by ear, I guess.

I like people who can keep the conversation going no matter how random the topic gets.

I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even in possession of my own identity, how can it be stolen from me?

It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like...

I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22

It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to 8:59 pm.

A sex trophy should be functional, and shaped like a dildo, yet decorative, and shaped like Ben Bernanke. Insert it in your ass as desired.

I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.

very” while yawning.

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!

I’ve got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection.

There may be a sucker born every minute, but every 30 seconds a lollipop pops out.

M.

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

When someone says so-and-so’s opinionated, what’s that mean? Aren’t we all opinionated? Show me one person with no opinions, and I’ll show you a bowl of Jell-O—or a politician, whichever one’s dumber.

The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home.

Somebody left a pair of baby shoes on a bench. I would have taken them home, if only they weren’t too big for my feet.

I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those...

Tolstoy to Gandhi to Martin Luther King to Me and You

A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.

No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.

I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it in exactly 200 meters.

Surviving cancer is cool, but surviving old age is cooler.

If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money.

I pee whilst seated. But it’s hard to focus with people honking at me.

My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence.

Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%!

If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.

A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim, after you karate chop them into submission.