She looked mean, but I think that was her natural resting face.

Yeah, probably.

He didn’t mean I couldn’t leave, he meant I couldn’t leave leave. If he meant I couldn’t even take out the trash and had to stay inside all the time, that would result in a...

Strike two. Add dumb as a box of rocks to the list of why I don’t like these guys. I got to my feet, deciding to play nice. After all, they were just poor dumb...

Do not go where you don’t belong. I scoffed. That sounded like an invitation if I ever heard one.

And that’s basically the end of this story. I know it sounds unbelievable and all. And I’m not saying I can explain all the time travel parts or the magical tattoo parts. You may not...

What happened next… well, I’m going to blame it on the fact that I was scared. And I had just flown or fallen or something through about eighty years worth of Time. Or maybe it...

That was when things got weird. You may have thought things were weird already, but this was uber-weird

I had read once that dumb people didn’t know they were dumb. They thought they were just as smart as anybody else. That was a very unsettling thought. What if I was really dumb and...

I figured I only had about two seconds to live. It’s amazing how many thoughts you can have in two seconds.

A stealthy ninja monkey she was not.

I shrieked like a little girl, which, if you think about it, makes total sense.

Little known fact: When you get really scared and too many scary things happen at once, you can leave your body. I don’t know if it’s your soul or your consciousness or what, but you...

You know how they say that right before you die your life flashes before your eyes? It doesn’t. That is just a notion they came up with for books and movies to make death seem...

I had a choice. My instincts told me to hurry up and give the choking man the Heimlich maneuver. My brain told me to stay still until he expired and chalk this one up to...

This was a true pants-pooping moment.