I’ll give you a treat to get in your cage. I’m rewarding you for punishing you. Who am I? If you guessed either dog catcher or politician you are correct.

You can gain in your effectiveness as a politician from a wide acquaintance with the world and from a degree of independence that having some outside interests gives.

I heard my friend’s car wouldn’t start, so I mailed him a parking lot. I should be a politician.

The lake I live by has dried up after years of selling bottled water from my back yard. So to encourage my neighbors to get excited about this development, I correctly pointed out that my...

It is possible to be a retard and a politician. In fact, it’s almost a prerequisite.

Politicians are the sole cause of our incurable social eczema

I’m a politician. I run for office. That’s my profession.

I had eggs for breakfast. I ate them off the hood of a politician’s car, after I threw them there.

There’s a certain clubbiness to the idea that you’re an ex-president. You’re no longer a politician. You’re a statesman.

I always look like I’m lying. I was born with a politician’s face. You’ll know I’m in love when I have a Vote For Me look in my eyes.

To increase my business, I gave myself the illusion of popularity. I did that by halving the size of my parking lot—so it looks twice as full. It’s this sort of tactical maneuvering, and preference...

I ran over some dog poop on my drive home last night. But I didn’t feel bad, because I didn’t vote for that particular politician.

My definition of a redundancy is an air-bag in a politician’s car.

My job is to look at what politics is doing, not be a politician myself.

Sometimes I kick my cat. But I’m asleep, and he sleeps at the foot of my bed. It’s not like I kick it intentionally, like it was a politician.

All modern U.S. presidents are perforce politicians, prisoners of their past pronouncements, their party, their constituency, and their colleagues.

I planted a plastic plant, but nothing grew but political hope. I watered it with the tears of the voters.

The advantages of a hereditary Monarchy are self-evident. Without some such method of prescriptive, immediate and automatic succession, an interregnum intervenes, rival claimants arise, continuity is interrupted and the magic lost. Even when Parliament had...

I want to have five or six wives, and a few dozen sheep, all for my pleasure. I should be a politician.

It is important to bear in mind that political campaigns are designed by the same people who sell toothpaste and cars.