How do you know you are who you are? How do you know you’re not simply a clone of who you think you are?

Can you ever really say you know anybody—your clone included? Still, if my clone’s birthday were coming up, I’d only shop Buy One Get One Free deals.

I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones.

I’m thinking of moving my cloning factory to someplace less visible, like in front of a fogged mirror.

It must be awful to be on a team with a superstar, someone much better than everyone else. At least that’s how my teammates must feel about me. But who cares? They’re just my clones.

I have assigned myself a Hooray Factor of five. This is the top level, and is the only level that has a physical representation—that of a high five. But don’t try to give me a...

Most people have a list of 100 books to read before they die, or 100 places to visit. Not me. I have a list of 100 birthdays to see. No need to write them down,...

My hero’s hero is not necessarily my hero, unless my clone’s hero is my clone’s clone.

When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.

I called to tell her I loved her, which was smart, because if I’d have done it in person, I’d have caught her with another man. I don’t care if he was my clone, it...

I’m not somebody else—but my clone is.

I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha—with my clone.

I got some body work done. Both to my car, and to my clone. Now my car looks like a complete stranger, and I look like a Mercedes.

If I had a clone, I could list myself as a character reference.

I am who I pretend to be, and right now I’m pretending to be my own clone.

If a man is powerful, then his rival must therefore also be powerful. The other’s prestige enhances your own. So choose your enemies wisely. My enemy is so great he won’t be born like a...

I am two lucky guys.

18 rules for not getting caught. 1-17: don’t tell anybody. #18: not even your clone.

If I had my clone take a test for me, it’s likely I’d misspell my own name. And I’m terrible at remembering people’s names—even if that person is me.

I couldn’t steal an idea. Not even if my clone came up with it. But I could steal your heart—even if my clone had it stored in a cryogenic freezer.

I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.

If I had a clone, he’d better be my equal, and not my better. Can you imagine how I’d feel being jealous of myself?

Honestly, I’d rather be anywhere else. Even home, where my dad begins almost every conversation with, “You should lose the black clothes and wear something with color.” Puh-lease. Like I want to look like every...

Knowing where you come from is just as important as knowing who you aren’t. You aren’t your own clone.

I want a billion people to know my name as well as they know their own. I want to clone myself to fame.

During conversation, I have no problem making eye contact—with myself in the mirror. Or with my clone, if he’s not rolling his eyes because he knows what I’m going to say.

To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone.

I worry about identity theft. What’s to stop somebody from cloning me to drain the cash from my bank account? And it’d be just as easy for my clone to pretend to be me as...

My clones will look like me, and therefore I’ll treat them like myself—starting with spending all their hard-earned money. You can’t love someone else if you can’t first love yourself.

I want to win an award that doesn’t exist yet. Well, I want my clone to win it, and that’s almost the same thing—and he also doesn’t exist yet, so it’s perfect.

If my clone writes my biography, is it really an autobiography?

How would I know which one I was?

As a person, I have to claim my persona as my own. If I don’t, my clone will do it for me.

In a brave and noble way, I want to sacrifice my life one day so that two of my clones can live.

Is talking to your clone like talking to yourself, talking to someone else, both, or in the middle?

Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.

Freud was a fraud, but he’d probably think I have a complex of some kind. Anal, oral, Orafoural, etc. While most kids wanted to grow up to be an astronaut, one of Barbara Streisand’s bras,...

If my clone were standing next to me, I’d be beside myself with joy. I’d also be literally beside myself. In that case, I’ll bet you’d love me twice as much, huh?

On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.

Before I’ll take my clone on as a pupil in the craft of writing, he must prove his worthiness. He must write 100 thoughts down, of which 10 might be interesting. If he’s done that,...

I wish I could claim that I said this being an author, but alas I did not.” –I try to leave out the parts that people skip. — Elmore Leonard

I am who I think I am, or I probably am, and a test I conceive and answer about myself isn’t a way to test if I’m another person pretending to be me, because no...

I’m going on vacation, and I’m leaving my clone in charge. I’ll be gone, but I’ll be here.

I need to protect myself from myself. And my clone.

I believe the love shared between two people shouldn’t be secretly shared with a third. Not even if I am vacationing on the moon, and that third person is my clone.

Being sociable is a skill you can learn. It’s like throwing a spiral, riding a bicycle, or murdering your clone’s lover, who also happens to be your girlfriend.

My clone will have my mind, but I don’t mind. Two heads are better than one—especially when those two are one and the same.