The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.

Teamwork is me helping you build a brick wall that will come between us and forever divide us. Division through unity.

A brick could be used to destroy your mannequin lover. It’s the only proper thing to do. Remember, I was the one who warned you about dating a politician.

A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container. That way it’ll stay fresher for longer.

A brick could be inserted in your chest in place of your heart. And for just a couple thousand dollars more, an artificial heart could replace the brick.

A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge.

I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that.

I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because bricks aren’t aerodynamic. Yeah, right. I’d like to see someone make that claim...

One blanket, coupled with a fluffy pillow, could be implemented as a torture device for insomniacs.

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?

My biggest life influences are people of the future, people yet to be born. Two people, in particular: Zax Xaz and Xaz Zax, who were both named after their father, John Smith—though they don’t share...

A blanket could be used as a shield, in a fight with a cold shower. I know, because I won that battle this morning, only I wielded a sword—and an erection made of sleep.

A blanket could be used like a cat, if it were furry and purred.

Everyone’s weird, I’m just a bit bizarre.

A brick could be used to get a new job. Hire me! I have a brick, and I’m not afraid to use it.

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.

A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a...

A brick could be used to silence your critics. Think of it like a really thick and unchewy piece of chewing gum.

A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and drop the brick off the roof of a building. I’m not stretching the...

A blanket could be shared with someone cold. And if you’re sharing your blanket, they might as well share the blame in getting pregnant. It’s not like they can blame me, because I was in...

A brick could be used like love. But not my love, because my love is more like a blanket.

A blanket could be used to show love, by providing warmth, comfort, and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by a single scratch.

A brick is like fruitcake. You don’t want to use it up all at once, and in fact, you don’t want to use it up at all. Well, if you won’t use it, then give...

I’ll tear down the wall between us—and tear down the walls of your life.” Then you might try offering him a cheese sandwich.

A blanket could be used as Concealment Revealer. It both conceals and reveals, like great dialogue. Here’s some great dialogue I wrote for two characters, Mr. Brick, and Ms. Blanket: Mr. Brick: I like your...

A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming—and that you are warm. Where’s the cold war when you need it?

A brick could be used as a bowling ball. With how bad I bowl, a rectangle ball couldn’t possibly hurt my score, because in bowling you can’t get a lower score than zero

In the early 1980s, Graham worked hard to turn the Repository into a respectable business, rather than a ludicrous one: Graham’s wife didn’t like keeping the sperm at the Escondido estate. Not only had the...

must” in mustard. Sadly, the only man alive who understands what I mean is dead. RIP Mitch Ketchup.

I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and...

A blanket could be used as a water purification device. Place it between a flowing water source and your storage barrel and let the blanket filter out impurities. Then after your water is pure, drop...

A brick can be used to represent a ruin, or the beginning of new construction. With a brick, the past is the future.

A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you can even make love to it.

Sleeping in a tinfoil suit keeps me warmer and helps prepare me for my voyage to the moon. Would you care for some licorice?

A blanket could be used to stop a train. Another good thing to use would be brakes. I’ll sell you a set of train breaks for the price of a warm night’s sleep.

A brick could be used to test how fast you throw a baseball, if, you know, baseballs were cube-shaped and integral to the construction of houses.

That’s it. Can you do the scene?”The actor lifts up his foot to stick it in his mouth. I reach over from my seat and help him to fit it into his bulging cheeks. The...

A brick could be used as a trophy at your company’s annual award ceremony. It’s a way to save money while making pride and applause at the same time.

A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn’t mean one is good and the other is bad.

A brick could be used to stop a tornado, unlike a mobile home, which only acts like a tornado magnet and seems to increase its power.

A brick could be used as a flying decision inducer. You could have said yes before I threw the brick, but I suppose you’ll be more agreeable when you wake up from your coma.

A brick could be used to stop potential terrorist plots. But it sure would be more effective if I could just record every single phone conversation, email, text message, Google search, and Skype video chat...

A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how to dance, by providing motivation to get good so they can get some...

A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a brick, and only highly functional on a bed. Or so I heard—not that I’d know from personal experience.

If I hung out with Van Gogh, I don’t know what we’d do. We’d just play it by ear, I guess.

A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by giving them the gift that says both Thank You—and Fuck You.

A brick could be used to help America make money. Trust me, this is smarter than letting a central bank like the Federal Reserve make all the money.

I am the burrito wrapped up in a blanket. Eat my warmth.

A brick can be neither good nor bad. A brick just is. And it isn’t, because I just stole it from you, which is good for me, and bad for you.

A blanket could be used to not only make promises, but fulfill them too. They’re so soft and warm, how could they not be used in this manner?