A brick could be used to save humanity from mortality. Or at least save us from mortar.

A blanket could be used to reveal hidden mysteries. Quick, get naked and get under, and I will illuminate the night.

A blanket could be used to cover Mt. Rushmore. But if you rush more, you’re going to rip the blanket in the same way that the very fabric of our democracy is torn.

A brick could be used to communicate with the dead. I just spoke to Stalin, and he’s very pleased with the way America’s progressing, collectively, as a country.

Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?

A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried...

A brick is what the aliens gave me to communicate with them. It’s easy to operate. Just go to a party, or any crowded location, place the brick on your head, and stand perfectly still...

A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a brick may be dumb, but at least it isn’t dumb and interfering in...

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A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out.

A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people. I’d be an ideal politician, because I believe in social progress.

EntropyThe Disintegrating Integration ofCheez-Whiz Squirts Insipid InspirationQuoth the Oblong Eclipse ofNether-Knowledge Never KnowingDecaying Matter in a Decaying OrbitOrangutans of ScienceStudy Ignorance of WhatThe Cows Already Know.

The More Interesting Than.” I would say get Miley Cyrus to do it, but she isn’t interesting enough.

A blanket could help me tell you I love you. Well, it could if I did, but I don’t, so I’ll just use the blanket to go to sleep on our relationship.

A blanket could be used to stop abuse. Don’t cover up the atrocity—cover up your head, because what you don’t see, may as well not exist.

A brick could be used to separate the Jorges from the hoorays.

A blanket could be used as a spy, because if you need to blend in and go under cover, what’s better than a banket?

A blanket could be wrapped around people who’ve recently been electrocuted, because I’ll bet it’s really warm under those covers. I’ve always wanted to roast marshmallows in my sleep.

A blanket could be made of tuna fish skin, which would go well with my cottage cheese thighs.

A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only your clone. And besides being the perfect gift, it’d also be a surprise,...

A brick could be renamed something clever and cute, like President, and repackaged and resold to a solid base of sheep consumers every four years. The sheeple will never even notice that every new model...

A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don’t actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children...

I use blankets like armor for cold.

A brick could be used measure the volume of love in any given bathtub. But for the test to be accurate, I’m going to need you to disrobe and step down here. Don’t worry, I’m...

A blanket could be used in exciting medical advancements, curing everything from shivers to tonitrophobia.

I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet.

A blanket could be used to suppress yawns. Just curl up in the technological wonder that is a blanket, lay your head back, and let the miracle of science cure your yawns.

A brick represents my rationality, and a blanket represents my emotions. It’s robot versus mannequin, and to get a sense of who I am as a person, you need some mortar and a pillow.

A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you won’t need any additional security. Years will go by and nobody will steal...

I’ll do it very quickly and spontaneously. I expect that it will be slightly strange and bizarre, but catchy at the same time.

fresh” chicken noodle soup through a 20-foot straw that runs from the basement up to the attic, where she found the soup.

A brick could be used to flavor your bathtub water, and raise the fluid level, so you perceive that you have more to drink.

I know. I’m sorry.” And the bizarre part is that I really am. I want to be good, to use the right fork and wear a pretty linen dress to breakfast. I want to be...

A brick could be used to remind you. I would remind you of what you need to be reminded about, but that’s not my role—that’s the brick’s place.

A brick could be used to not be used. Is my hair waving in the wind, or are your eyes twitching?

Bricks could be used to neatly pack your suitcase. It would promote personal strength and frugality.

A brick could be used to tell the time. If you can see it it’s daytime, and if you can’t see it it’s nighttime.

A brick could be employed to stop global warming, by using it to clog up the world’s smallest volcano. I would use my penis to plug up the hole, but it already burns while I...

A blanket could be used to smother a fire—but not the fire that burns in my heart for you. Or perhaps that’s merely heartburn, and you’re just as common as a brick.

A blanket can be rolled up, much like I roll up my emotions when I listen to political rhetoric.

The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.

Teamwork is me helping you build a brick wall that will come between us and forever divide us. Division through unity.

A brick could be used to destroy your mannequin lover. It’s the only proper thing to do. Remember, I was the one who warned you about dating a politician.

A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container. That way it’ll stay fresher for longer.

A brick could be inserted in your chest in place of your heart. And for just a couple thousand dollars more, an artificial heart could replace the brick.

A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge.

I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that.

I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because bricks aren’t aerodynamic. Yeah, right. I’d like to see someone make that claim...

One blanket, coupled with a fluffy pillow, could be implemented as a torture device for insomniacs.

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?