Obviously comedic styles do change.

Most practical jokes, I’ll feel too bad for the other person so I’ll stop just before the punchline.

I don’t like to make a big splash anyway.

I’m really only happy when I’m on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That’s what I’m all about – people and laughter.

If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.

Switzerland is a place where they don’t like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.

Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.

I am not honest.

I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.

Anything that’s for free, people will take. They don’t discriminate.

You have to discover when you’re inadequate to be funny and you don’t know you’re inadequate when you’re a kid.

The only change I can really see is that I don’t have to shop for pants in stores anymore.

I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word ‘happy’ has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, ‘happy.’

There’s also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.