Maybe it’s just not the right time for us to be married. I don’t want to be a bounty hunter for the rest of my life, but I certainly don’t want to be a housewife...

In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I’ve never been a slave to good judgment.

There is no such thing as a good call at 7 AM. It’s been my experience that all calls between the hours of 11 PM and 9 AM are disaster calls.

Cripes, I can’t keep up on this political correct shit. I don’t even know what to call myself. One minute I’m black. Then I’m African American. Then I’m a person of color. Who the hell...

Babe!

Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning.

Besides, there’s nobody who is going to watch your back better than me. You know that. And that’s why I’m going to be there with you, whenever there is, whenever you ask, and as long...

He [Ranger] peeled my [Stephanie] clothes off and wrangled me into bed. And then suddenly he was inside me. He once told me that time spent with him would ruin me for all other men....

He’s going to jail. He can’t see. He can’t hear. He can’t take a leak that lasts under fifteen minutes. But he has an erection and all the other problems are small change. Next time...

Now that we know you’re not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks,” I said to Ziggy.”I’ll try,” Ziggy said, “but it’s a hard habit to break.

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

Tastykakes are just another of the many advantages of living in Jersey. They’re made in Philly and shipped to Trenton in all their fresh squishiness. I read once that 439,000 Butterscotch Krimpets are baked every...

I don’t have a lot of domestic instincts,” Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob in my hair, “but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose...

Mary Lou et moi, on est amies depuis qu’on est toutes petites. J’étais le boute-en-train de service, et elle, le cancre de la classe. « Cancre » n’est peut-être pas le mot juste. Disons que...

Oh, for God’s sake,” I said. “Just give me the stupid thing.” I took the panic button and stuck it into my Super Sexy Miracle Bra. “GPS,” Ranger said to Morelli. “Probably I can find...

I’d spent a night with Ranger a while ago, and I knew what happened when he was encouraged. Ranger knew how to make a woman want him. Ranger was magic.

That’s disappointing,” Nick said. “I was hoping to see you in action again. It’s kind of sexy in a violent, perverted sort of way.””Gosh, knowing that makes my day complete.””I thought you’d want me to...

…Don’t you just hate a phony-looking stiff?” – Aunt Edna

I failed math twice, never fully grasping probability theory. I mean, first off, who cares if you pick a black ball or a white ball out of the bag? And second, if you’re bent over...

In my father’s scheme of things, there were Italians and then there was the rest of the world.

I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. –Stephanie Plum

Diesel sucked air. “You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you.””I’m not fondling you. I’m looking for the keys!””Could you look a little more gently? You’re scaring my boys.

Counseling, drugs, a religious advisor, a girlfriend.

Excuse me?” I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. “Coffee? I thought we came here for pie.” “I don’t eat the kind of pie they serve here.” I felt a flash of heat go...

He squinted at me. “What are you wearing? Is that some new form of birth control?

I don’t need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?

Bunch of wimps.

I can’t help it. I’m just a big gasbag. I still got leftover barbeque gas.” She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long far. “Excuse me,” she said.

Babe,” Ranger said. “You’re looking a little strung out. Is there anything I should know?”I’m on a sugar withdrawal. I’ve given up desert and it’s all I can think about.” That had been true five...

You took your clothes off?””You didn’t notice?””No! Jeez Louise, I don’t even know you.””If you look under the covers, you’ll know me better.””I don’t want to know you better!””That’s a big fib,” Diesel said.

I attributed the incidence to temporary insanity, and in my own defense, I’d like to say I haven’t run over anyone since.

My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn.””She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn’t enough action.”-Ranger and Stephanie

The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma’s crotch, and snuffled.Dang,” Grandma said. “Guess my new perfume really works. I’m gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting.

You never want to look in a mirror,” Lula said. “Men love mirrors. They look at themselves doing the deed and they see Rex the Wonder Horse. Women look at themselves and think they need...

I wasn’t a fabulous cook. I didn’t have a boyfriend, much less a husband. And I wasn’t a big financial success. I could live with all those failings as long as I knew that once...

…I blink back the threat of tears, swiped at my nose and narrowed my eyes. “Listen to me, you two bags of monkey shit, “I yelled. “I am not in a good mood. My car...

Ranger is an unusual name,” she managed. “Is it a nickname?”It’s a street name,” Ranger said. “I was a Ranger in the army.”I heard about them Rangers on TV,” Grandma said. “I heard they get...

That’s how hospitals get you. You go in to visit and before you know it they got a camera stuck up your butt and they’re looking’ to find poloponies.

On the bright side, I’m sure this isn’t the last time you’ll ever get firebombed, so maybe you’ll have better luck next time.

Do you see that man in the black Porsche?” I asked the women.They squinted out at Ranger. “Yes,” they said.”Your partner.””He’s homeless. He’s looking for a place to stay and he might be interested in...

Aren’t you something,” Grandma said. “I never saw a midget up close.” “Little person,” Briggs said. “And I never saw anyone as old as you up close, either.