Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that’s what he is!

Jesus is great — is there a better role model? No. It’s religion, it’s the people who get in between — the bureaucracy, you know. … It’s the way people abuse Jesus. Was there ever...

New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it’s animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place...

He sold Syria way better than he sold this.

New Rule: The White House doesn’t have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don’t pretend we can’t take it. We’ve seen pictures of Britney Spears’s vagina getting out of a car. Television has...

I’m a stoner, and I vote.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

New Rule: Since Glenn Beck is clearly onto us, liberals must launch our plan for socialist domination immediately. Listen closely, comrades, I’ve received word from General Soros and our partners in the UN–Operation Streisand is...

Too many in America lead with their emotions when it comes to the flag, becoming illogically protective.Hell, the British treat their national symbol, the Royal Family, way worse, and they’re people!

New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they’re friends of the environment. “At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife.” Please–the only thing an oil executive has in common with a...