Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.

Every day in America is a day with a shooting.

He sold Syria way better than he sold this.

I’m not a Christian, but I have read his book.

I don’t want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?

Fake it. We know you can do that. We’ve seen your sex tape.

That’s not water. That’s socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie.

And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it’s us against the world.

You don’t need a weapon to protect yourself.

The thing they’re trying to stop is 30-million people getting health insurance. That’s the substance.