I don’t like salad dressing. I prefer salad undressing. I’m a health freak. And I do mean freak.

When I turned 30, I was done with Thousand Island dressing. I have moved on to Island Number 1001.

My favorite salad dressing is vodka. And my favorite ice cream flavor is coffee, though I prefer it melted and hot enough to burn flesh.

For me to enjoy a salad, I need the right dressing. Vodka is salad dressing, right?

My boxers have salad dressing stains on them, and my dishwasher is broken. I’ll make dinner for you, if you clean up afterwards.