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American Comedian  Quotes
You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.

—Emo Philips

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Federal prison, if you get any of it, you’re going to have to do 85% of it. And the reason why I called it that is because I had a friend who got sent to...

—Mike Epps

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Actually, I didn’t like Dartmouth very much, but the whole theater scene I really liked.

—Rachel Dratch

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They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

—Rita Rudner

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If you feel like there’s something out there that you’re supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

—Wanda Sykes

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I don’t care about Clinton’s haircuts or his affairs or any of that stuff.

—Tim Robbins

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There is absolutely no way that I would enter that world. I would never run for office.

—Tim Robbins

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Learning lines is on my mind until I do know them. I’ll read the paper or paint the house to keep from starting to memorize. I’ve never found an easy way.

—Paul Lynde

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Renunciation – that is the great fact we all, individuals and classes, have to learn. In trying to avoid it we bring misery to ourselves and others.

—Beatrice Potter Webb

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But apart from the military measures, security measures, of course, Afghanistan needs great help for building up its social life, its economic life. It has become a very poor country, neglected for many years.

—Bulent Ecevit

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I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.

—Garry Shandling

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

—Emo Philips

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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

—Emo Philips

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I’m engaged, on the way to being married.

—Mike Epps

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Yeah, and I remember that game Pitfall. That was my favorite. I heard there’s a new one, too – so maybe I’ll have to get back into it.

—Rachel Dratch

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Actually, I majored in marketing and I have a bachelor of science.

—Wanda Sykes

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What drives the creative person is that we see it all.

—Wanda Sykes

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I think the enemy is self-censorship. In a free society the biggest danger is that you’re afraid to the point where you censor yourself.

—Tim Robbins

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A room is like a stage. If you see it without lighting, it can be the coldest place in the world.

—Paul Lynde

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The doctor’s name was Sylvia. I told her she’d have a problem with me because Sylvia was my mother’s name.

—Paul Lynde

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I’ve written about 15 screenplays and they all sold – they were all sold on pitches.

—Bruce Vilanch

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We have in the last two years, we have passed 350 legislation in the parliament, most of which deal with democratization, human rights, and of course, economy.

—Bulent Ecevit

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I don’t know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has something to do with – if I may judge from my own father, who used to sit and stare at...

—Garry Shandling

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Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

—Emo Philips

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I used to think drinking was the only way to be happy. Now I know there is no way to be happy.

—Laura Kightlinger

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You know, you can’t make the people do what you want them to do.

—Mike Epps

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My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

—Rita Rudner

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I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business.

—Wanda Sykes

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Every man dies. Not every man lives.

—Tim Robbins

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Is Walt turning over in his grave? A man named Joe Roth runs Disney right now-he gave me the go-ahead and total freedom to do whatever I wanted to do.

—Tim Robbins

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I may find something that looks interesting and then go on to alter the recipe by adding spices, things of my own. I also look for time-saving recipes, dishes that can be prepared ahead and...

—Paul Lynde

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I personally believe we were put her to build and not to destroy.

—Red Skelton

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If you’re so pro-life, do me a favour: don’t lock arms and block medical clinics. If you’re so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

—Bill Hicks

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Music is a great energizer. It’s a language everybody knows.

—Bill Hicks

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Sometimes in my class I have people come in and do monologues inspired by people they know and I always find that to be useful to do specifics about somebody and then you’re actually doing...

—Amy Poehler

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The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something entirely new. It would prevent me from wanting to host a standard-fare kind of talk show.

—Garry Shandling

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Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

—Emo Philips

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Honestly, I feel like I am a leading man, and it’s just going to take the right project, the female and the right studio. It’s got to all gel together, you know what I mean?

—Mike Epps

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But I majored in Drama, modified with Psychology.

—Rachel Dratch

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The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it Jumping up and down.

—Rita Rudner

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If you’re passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.

—Wanda Sykes

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I don’t know if I ever really bought into the eternal damnation bit.

—Tim Robbins

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There’s nothing more boring than unintelligent actors, because all they have to talk about is themselves and acting. There have to be other things.

—Tim Robbins

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Mothers don’t want to pinch me or put me in their purse.

—Paul Lynde

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Work is the best of narcotics, providing the patient be strong enough to take it. I dread idleness as if it were Hell.

—Beatrice Potter Webb

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But if too many countries, as has been the case, interfere too much in the internal affairs, the political situation of Afghanistan, then of course we can’t hope satisfactory results.

—Bulent Ecevit

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My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.

—Garry Shandling

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How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

—Emo Philips

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I asked my girlfriend, ‘Will you marry me?’ She said, ‘We’ll have to ask my father.’ So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, ‘Hello!’

—Emo Philips

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I’m gonna have to develop myself. I’m just going to do the best that I can do.

—Mike Epps

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