So we are fulfilling our task in preventing serious armament stocks in Iraq within our possibilities.

First of all, I’m not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on.

I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

They have what you call a black night where they have black people come in for just one night only to watch comedy, and you get all your local drug dealers, thugs, prostitutes, all of...

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Don’t bother me while I’m eating, or when I’m coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.

When you make the judgement as a network that there are only three candidates, you are censoring points of view.

I’ve long ago compromised my eight hours a night.

I feel now it’s useless to keep hoping. The way things are today, we live in a world that needs laughter, and I’ve decided if I can make people laugh, I’m making a more important...

No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.

And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else’s, I’m happy to do it.

If you do a scene and you really like a character in it or a premise in it to write it down and to work on it so that you can have five or six...

I’m good in bed, actually, and I think I could learn to be a good communicator, too. The only trouble with that is it leads to marriage.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught...

Cedric, man, it’s like if I’m working with you, like I’m sitting here now talking to you, I want to get along with you. That’s how I am. I feel like if I get along...

I’m not a standup. I don’t really have jokes. I don’t have 10 minutes. It took a while for me to realize this.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I’m here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.

Considering the fact that I’ve used it in the past, and know what it is, and seen the results of it, I don’t view marijuana as a dangerous drug.

New York is not conductive to theater. New York does not encourage its young. It does not encourage experimentation.

If I hadn’t become a celebrity, I’d probably be an alcoholic.

I mean, when I started out I was billing per hour, like a shrink because you would sit with somebody and work. But most of it, if it’s for a live show it’s usually a...

And it is essential that in fighting terrorism, sacrifices should not be made on democracy.

You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and...

The character was so strong, particularly because of that distinctive voice, that nobody could picture me in any other type of role.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics’ heads, where they are safe.

I think in life, the sense of humor and comedy always exists.

So, then, after college I did a children’s theater tour for six months, but then I came out here. Just to try to do the whole Second City thing.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.

I mean, what are they scared of? Who’s going to vote for anyone from the Communist Party, for God’s sake?

I don’t know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he’s funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me.

Politicians… talk in generalities and lies, and I think they’ve caused all our grief. They’re so awful, they’re really funny. I hate thinking this because my dad loved politics.

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full time job and children.

The armies, the difference of all of those armies that had been fighting each other and the Taliban took advantage of that to rule over the whole country.

Here’s the thing – I’m single, I haven’t been married, I don’t have kids yet. If I do have kids I would be interested to see them in my life, so here’s a movie for...

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

Our ability to delude ourselves may be an important survival tool.

When you’re an actor, you meet actresses.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up...

I always want to go back and do stand-up; I like the freedom.

My philosophy is, don’t take no for an answer and be willing to sacrifice your entire project for freedom.

I’ve used drugs that I do consider to be dangerous, drugs that are potentially detrimental to kids and society at large.

I have an ulcer. It has an IQ of 185.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.

In a recent Valentine’s Day posting on her fan website, Britney Spears says that – oh, who cares?

I’m not a party guy. I don’t carouse very much.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.