Don’t be silly and don’t waste your time.

Jack Benny was, without a doubt, the bravest comedian I have ever seen work. He wasn’t afraid of silence. He would take as long as it took to tell the story.

When I first started out, ‘Time’ magazine did an article on what it called ‘the sick comics,’ and they were myself, Shelley Berman, Nichols & May, Jonathan Winters, Lenny Bruce, and Mort Sahl. We were...

I was not influenced by Jack Benny, and people have remarked on my timing and Jack’s timing, but I don’t think you can teach timing. It’s something you hear in your head.

A lot of money is spent trying to keep people alive who don’t necessarily want to be alive.

I remember seeing a movie with Jose Ferrer and Rosemary Clooney where they were husband and wife, and they got in bed, and he had on polka-dot pajamas and she had on striped pajamas, and...

With the stand-up comic on TV, whether it’s Seinfeld or Cosby or Roseanne, more important than their knowledge of how to tell a joke is their knowledge of themselves, or the persona they’ve created as...

The highest of highs is to have a new routine that you’re just breaking in and that’s working, and that’s – you’re one step removed doing a situation comedy because you have a live audience...

The first time I heard Richard Pryor, I knew he would be a major force in the world of comedy.

I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage.

I know Chuck Lorre personally, and am familiar with his work going back to ‘Roseanne’ and ‘Cybil.’

For a comedian, there is nothing better than watching another great comedian.

The best advice I was probably given and the best advice I could give someone who is trying to get into the comedy field is to take advantage of every opportunity you have to work...

Don Rickles and I are best friends. I know that might seem strange to those who know Don only by reputation, but somebody has to be his friend. Just to make sure I don’t forget,...

Comedians are innately programmed to pick up oddities like mispronounced words, upside-down books on a shelf, and generally undetectable mistakes in everyday life.

Humor is so important to the American scene throughout history.

The only way to survive is to have a sense of humour.

You shouldn’t get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny.

When I started out in 1960, I thought it might possibly last a couple of years. I never expected it to last 42. I take great satisfaction in that longevity.

There are some actresses that can’t do comedy; it’s too heavy-handed.

The schizophrenic has no sense of humor. His world is a constantly daunting, unfriendly place.

Mark Twain gave us an insight into the life on the Mississippi at the turn of the century.

I have no intention of retiring; I can’t imagine not doing stand-up. That’s where I started and where I’ll be.

The first time I got up in front of an audience was terror, abject terror, which continued for another four or five years. There still is, a little bit.

I don’t know how many sacred cows there are today. I think there’s a little confusion between humor and gross passing for humor. That’s kind of regrettable.

The only thing I have never done is a Broadway play. I’m not sure I have the discipline necessary to do a Broadway play. I know it holds a fascination for certain actors.

I can’t do a one-camera show. I don’t know how to do that kind of show where you count in your head and then you do the next line.

I’m most proud of the longevity of my marriage, my kids, and my grandchildren. If you don’t have that, you really don’t have very much.

I think the thing about it is when you grow up in Chicago there’s such a thing as putting on airs, you know? And you just learn not to put on airs. Don’t act like,...

When I started, I was doing all the good comedians I’d ever seen. Then I developed my own voice. My routines are my natural way of looking at the world.

There isn’t a comedian in the world that hasn’t bombed.

I don’t want to sound like the old guy, but cynicism is a potential danger. It colors our way of looking at the world.

No matter what hyenas sound like, they are not actually laughing.

I have to warn you, I’m not just some sitcom guy. I’m now an author.

Chuck Lorre and I had been talking about doing one of his shows for a while. I said I’d like to do ‘The Big Bang Theory,’ because I think it’s the best written, most intelligent...

With the advent of cell phones, especially with the very small microphone that attach to the cell phone itself, it’s getting harder and harder I find, to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a...

When you’re going for a joke, you’re stuck out there if it doesn’t work. There’s nowhere to go. You’ve done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you’re out on the end of the...

I don’t know how to do a show not in front of a live audience.

More and more, as I get older, people come up to me and say, ‘Thank you for all the laughter.’ And my standard answer is, ‘It was my pleasure.’ But that’s the truth.

I was an accountant in Chicago, and a friend of mine, Ed Gallagher, was in advertising. At 4:30 every day I’d be bored, and I would call him. He’d interview me.

I don’t think of myself as an American Master. I’ve just been making a living.

You do a clean show and it’s over and the audience have enjoyed themselves and you’ve enjoyed yourself, and you haven’t had to resort to shock.

I love portraying the totally indifferent person.

People are meant to be certain places, and I think I’m meant to be on a sound stage doing situation comedy.

I made people laugh as a kid, but that’s not how you make a living.

Richard Pryor introduced me to the world of the inner city, and the urban world, and did it hysterically. My favorite comedian, even though we work 180 degrees differently, but funny is funny is funny.

There are a lot of questions I keep asking myself about why I do comedy. I guess I laugh to keep from crying. And I guess if you ever get me crying, I might not...

I really don’t know what makes a comedian. I think it’s a family background and environment. Yet if you put the same ingredients in another person, he may never utter a funny line.

I always stayed away from political commentary. First of all, I didn’t feel entitled. What I may feel about a candidate, I’m a comedian. I mean, if people like my comedy, that doesn’t mean they...

I don’t think too much about age. Maybe if you’re hurting, aching and arthritic, then you think about it a lot. But I don’t.