Money cannot buy you love. But it sure can buy you things that some people will love you for having.

Employment is the exploitation of the employer’s courage, and, the employed’s fear of failure.

To masturbate is to imagine: physically.

A salary is a tax employers pay, every four weeks, for putting an employee’s dream on hold.

Life entertains humble men by giving men with below average looks (intellect, knowledge, etc.) an above average self-esteem.

Overrated is order.

Being forever available to the rest of the world is overrated. I mean, what are ‘missed calls’ invented for?

Though you can get smart from reading everything that a smart person writes, you cannot get famous from reading about everything that a famous person does or is said to have done.

We do not have forever to say whatever. For with every single day that goes by, the odds of our opinion(s) being read or heard diminishes.

A true survivor is someone who, after 12+ years of being schooled, remains independent in their thinking.

Time limps when you are not having fun.

Philosophy is to a thinker … what push-ups are to a model.

A horny man is seen. A horny woman is heard.

Needs are imposed by nature. Wants are sold by society.

As a subconscious attempt to add meaning or purpose to their life: The unemployed pray for a job; the retired pray for grandchildren.

There’s a correlation between the number of digits on a man’s bank balance, and, the number of things that his woman is willing to forgive him for.

The present is an eternal attempt to separate the past from the future.

A vagina is an uneducated woman’s diploma.

Nothing matters when you are dead, and, you are dead when nothing matters.

A social critic is someone whose work revolves around where and how our successes are failing us.

Intellect is the virtue of ignoring one’s emotions’ attempt to contaminate one’s opinions.

Some wo/men are so possessive … you end up missing missing them.

You cannot sensibly expect a starving ‘God-fearing’ man to honor the 8th commandment.

Procrastination threatens critics’ livelihood.

*Paying one’s last respects* is about the payer, not the paid. (Who attends the funeral — and who doesn’t — is the deceased’s last worry.)

A satirist that criticizes religion is seen as a satanist.

To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you’ve lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you.