Experience: the vehicle of history. Teenagers: the driving force behind fatal accidents.

Selfishness is a bad habit. That’s why I always rationally think through my decisions to act without regard for others.

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.

Self-awareness of one’s faults, far from being the first step to growth, is very often the second foot in the mud.

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

I don’t believe in failure. I’m perseverant – I believe in failing.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

I didn’t sacrifice everything for love, just my mother when love required a caesarian.

We live in one of the few epochs of humanity where life isn’t just a painful cycle of toil, fatigue, and collapse. Now pleasure gyrates us through those stages.

If you’re a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder.

I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the...

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman – the idea of her.

I lost something magical in the process of growing up – my disillusionment.

Love leads people to become lost in their own feelings and ignore the world, so it’s no surprise their love for the world goes unrequited.

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.

When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion.

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

The stoic contemplates fallen leaves; the epicure rakes them into a loveseat.

Nothing else matters now that you love me.’ – suicide note

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to great speeches, but then I turn on the TV and I’m in wonder at how good my candidate looks.

There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for.

What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks.

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won’t be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

Use condoms; it’s wise not to gamble with your children’s future.

Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder.

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

Mothers do not have love affairs. Before their children they have dreams, and after their children they have delusions. If the father is involved somewhere, they have fantasies.

I only go birdwatching during mating season. I’m a pornithologist.

Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s...

I got hired by a newspaper to write a column on current events, so I wrote about Benjamin Franklin’s charting of the Gulf Stream.

Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.

An anniversary is the perfect time to celebrate all the missed opportunities to correct a mistake, and even take vows to renew it.

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.

Carnal love: a practical man’s love. A love you can see, touch, and taste if you’re kinky. If you can’t hear it, you’re probably better suited to its more abstract form.

I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

Give up your dreams; you’ll accomplish more without sleep.

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.