Then you remember that Jack–that’s his name, the mac & cheese–plays lacrosse. That’s probably where he got all those yummy muscles. You need two hands for lacrosse.A pinky? Damn, you might as well starve yourself.

It doesn’t matter what clothes you had or what shoes you had, or how cool you were, or how many Facebook friends you garnered, what will matter in the end is what weapons you had,...

This was good, except that now I had two crazed, burning zombies standing between me and the exit, plus another one that wasn’t on fire. I had not thought this plan through at all.

Nicky turned and bolted. He’d only had about a thirty foot head start and a few were closing ground on him quickly. He cursed his hundred-dollar shoes and his vanity. The shoes looked great, but...

To think that she had read the same elegiac prose he now beheld with such quiet awe made his heart sing.

If she did bitch-slap me, I’d bitch-slap her right back, but I resented the word bitch and all its familiar forms, as it was degrading to women and dogs everywhere.

The man with the most guns survives the zombie apocalypse, but the man with the most books, locks the door and forgets it ever happened.

Americans worship technology. It’s an inherent trait in the national zeitgeist.

With sunglasses, a hat, and half a pack of Band-Aids, Roger could pass as a human.

It’s why I get miffed at all the dashing around in recent zombie films. It completely misses the point; transforms the threat to a straightforward physical danger from the zombies themselves, rather than our own...

Clearly our current form of medicine will bankrupt us and simultaneously keep the chemical industry the number one money-maker as physicians nurture a nation of drugged zombies.

In the darkened recesses of the Suburban, my opinion of the vampire rose considerably. There were far worse things than having to drink blood to survive. I could tolerate him, so long as he didn’t...

This is the truth about The Killer, ain’t it baby? You’re just a big ol’ bag of screams under all that big, bad muscle, ain’t you?

You can take that needle out of my leg now. I’d like to pull up my pants.

…and we’ll see what happens when we say Yes while this rigor mortis world screams No.

God exists. He has one wicked sense of humor, and right now he’s having a grand old time punking the planet.

The toddler started making this whine/moan noise while pawing at Tabitha. I know as a woman I’m supposed to have this innate love of babies, but the truth is, they kind of remind me of...

I totally don’t know what to do.” He got up and started pacing. “Am I supposed to get you a present? Or maybe a card. I’m completely lost.

I’m lonely, and he can see it. Maybe everyone can see it.

We’re all guilty of saying insincere things at one point or another, if only just to make the moment not totally suck as much as it truly does.

What Hamlet suffers from is a lack of zombies. Let us say Rosencrantz and Guildenstern show up—Ho-HO! Now you’ve got something that stirs the, um, something that stirs things that are stirrable. BOOM! A pack...

It was never you. Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’ve regretted that decision every second since the moment I walked out. I’ve made a lot of dumbass mistakes in my...

When approaching a prospective human, first ask them what their name is. * If it replies “Brains,” blow its fucking head off. * If it replies “Brian,” ask it again, as you may have encountered...

Again he shook his head. The world’s gone mad, he thought. The dead walk about and I think nothing of it. The return of corpses has become trivial in import. How quickly one accepts the...