If my legs get blown off in war, I’d like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I’ll be in the living room if you need me.

This book is dedicated to all the lawn chairs in all the living rooms of the world. I pray this book provides your owners with the strength, courage, and the wisdom to vacuum their lawns...

A car is a couch with wheels. My windshield wipers don’t work, so I’ve decided to stop watering my living room carpet. Honk if you want coffee, and I’ll pour you an umbrellaful.

I want a house with a garage, so someone from the government won’t try to park a tank in my living room.

I hope I never figure out who broke your heart and if I do, if I do. I’d spend all night losing sleep. I’d spend the night and I’d lose my mind. Well I’d spend...