I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn’t have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end.’ Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

I don’t understand why it has to be either – or – either socialism or democracy. Why can’t we combine things to get the best of each system?

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.

The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas – where it’s a beautiful theater – is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues,...

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.

I do a lot of family shows.

In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

I have a thing for tools.

Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.

I love doing logos. I’ve been a graphic artist all my life.

I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

It’s true; I have a skill and it’s… it has not related to acting, it’s not related to auditions, it’s not related to studios, not related to public whim. It’s whether I’m funny or not...

I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It’s not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but...

I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar… I’d pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I’d go out to catechism class and try to...

Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they’re fun, they do things together, they’re best friends. Kids learn...

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.

The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

never give up, never surrender

You don’t know what people are really like until they’re under a lot of stress.

In the last three years of racing I’ve met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it’s the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn’t have 20...