If you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don’t have a choice.

Thank you… Apple, for adding a camera to the iPod Nano. Now it’s just like the iPhone except it can’t make calls. So basically, it’s just like the iPhone.

You only think of the best comeback when you leave.

I sing in the car if I’m in LA, because you’re like soundproofed.

I just feel like people like a little break. Especially at 12:37 at night, you go, like, ‘I’m just tired of the snarky right now. I just want to lie down and have somebody make...

I had a gun and I had to run and shoot, which is not easy.

The running across the field thing, that was the first scene we shot in the movie. We asked the audience to stay for the scene, and 37,000 people stayed.

Don’t keep reaching for the stars because you’ll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

We had the guys from X Men 2 do the cameras. They had a 360 camera that would go from one car, up in the air and over to another car in a continuous shot...

I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and I think they force you to watch every James Cagney movie.

I don’t like to kick people when they’re down. I like to kick people when they’re up.

Thank you, hard taco shells, for surviving the long journey from factory, to supermarket, to my plate and then breaking the moment I put something inside you. Thank you.

If people want to see you, they’ll find you. If they don’t see you on TV, they’ll find you on the Internet.

Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one.

Thank you… fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

When I was a kid, you would tune in to ‘The Tonight Show’ before you went to sleep. Johnny Carson. A big treat. I know it’s a privilege of mine to be able to be...

I just really don’t like being the center of attention that much. It’s kind of ironic.

I like doing energetic things.

I’d be nothing without my wife. She’s the coolest. She’s the greatest. She is the smartest. She’s the funniest. I love her so much. She’s like the – it’s like your best friend for the...

In New York, there are so many potholes, they’re like craters on the moon. That’s another traffic thing.

Sandler’s always good. Tom Hanks gave me some good advice.

I became a Yankees fan for a few years. But now, I gotta say, I’m really rooting for the Red Sox.

You can’t reinvent the wheel. I remember when we first started out at ‘Late Night,’ we were trying to hire directors, and this guy was like, ‘I see you behind a glass desk.’ I don’t....

Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food.

I like being absurd. Being silly.

My dad used to work at IBM, so we used to get discounts on computers and stuff, and I did have a ThinkPad.

The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

My wife and I had been trying a while to have a baby. We tried a bunch of things – so we had a surrogate.

Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world’s lamest Ghostbuster. I ain’t afraid of no leaves.