A brick could be used as a substitute for the brother I never had. It seems ridiculous, but I’ve always wanted a brother who was smarter than the average politician.

A brick could be used for good, or for evil. The Brick of Creation, or the Brick of Destruction. While you’re deep in thought, contemplating which one you’d rather use, I’ll be over there looting...

A brick could be used to help defeat all incumbent politicians whose last name starts with Brj and anything after that alphabetically. Since people tend to vote for the first one on the ballot, Brick...

A brick could be used as a book cover. Talk about hardcover!

The truth is that we don’t want to be saved by in the way God has chosen; we want to keep absolute control over our every step, to be fully conscious of our decisions, to...

I thought I had made this discovery: that there are unexpected, constant repetitions in our behavior. The right combination of circumstances had enabled me to observe them. One seldom has the chance to be a...

The bad news is most of my books are ebooks and aren’t for sale in brick-and-mortar bookstores. The good news is that most of my books are ebooks and are perfect for emailing and I’m...

A brick could be used to decorate the interior of your anus. Here, bend over and let me demonstrate.

A blanket could be used to alter the future. But so can setting your watch ahead five minutes. Trust me, I’ve been to the future, and I was late.

A blanket could be used to fill the night sky with smoke, if you use it to suffocate the fire. And if you mess it up, I’ll use my hands to suffocate you.

A blanket could be used to cause global warming. If you don’t want to future generations to die, I’d recommend shivering in your bare bed.

A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor.

A blanket could be used as a screen to project animated bedtime stories onto, and also a place to project your fears about society not being accepting of adults who watch movies directed at an...

A brick could be used to locate the precise coordinates of the Masons. Just follow the bricks—and follow the money.

A blanket could be used as a cover of your favorite song by your favorite cover band.

A brick could be used as a floatation device. But only use it if the person drowning is a politician.

A brick could be used like March 5th marches in a marching band. And guess what, as the marching band director, I am the cement that holds everyone’s shoes in sync at the bottom of...

A brick could be used as a fashion accessory. Or an accessory to murder. I believe the phrase is, “If looks could kill.

A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this brick would give scientists an insight into how fast I run.

A blanket could be used to find the Brick of Truth. Many lies will be layered on the Brick of Truth to try to cover it up, but the blanket will cover up all the...

A brick could be used to send a message. The quickest way to send it would be through the air, and it would make more of an impact than an email or a text message.

A brick could be used to create a new society, a perfect society, where there is no inequality, there are no laws, and most importantly, there are no people.

A brick could be used as a marketing tool. I’ll help you grow your business, if you help me plant this brick in the ground.

Bricks could be used as breast implants. Lady Squaretits is really particular about the shape of her boobs.

Many people pray to be kept out of unexpected problems. Some people pray to be able to confront and overcome them.

Family was even a bigger word than I imagined, wide and without limitations, if you allowed it, defying easy definition. You had family that was supposed to be family and wasn’t, family that wasn’t family...

A brick could be used to sway the voters. But if you really want to sway them, try using a catchy song.

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.

A blanket could be used to lay down the law. Lay it down over there, on top of the bed, and I’ll come over and enforce it.

A brick could be used to build a future with me. Come, let’s start a life together.

A blanket could be used to separate the winners from the losers. With the exception of me, all men are losers, and only the winners are allowed under the blanket. Sorry, fellas, but there is...

Cats are living, breathing blankets. But a blanket, no matter how furry, cannot be used like a purrless cat.

A blanket could be used to eradicate the radical element that’s so pervasive and perverse in our society today. I’m talking about people sleeping in the nude, with nothing to cover their shame.

A blanket is a coffin, if the cops are after you and you have to dump a body quick.

A brick could be used to enhance your sex life. So what are you waiting for? Get that gerbil out of your pants

Yeah” while the guy peeing next to you is talking, try a more positive affirmation, like pinching his butt cheek.

A blanket could be used in a secretive manner. What? I can’t just tell you how it could be used. What part of secretive don’t you understand?

A brick could be used to gauge the level of reciprocated sexual interest of the person or object of your desire. A brick works best, however, when the focus of your lust is the brick...

A brick could be used to describe somebody hard and inflexible, and a blanket could be used to describe somebody warm and easygoing.

A blanket isn’t the solution, a blanket is the problem. I say we burn all the blankets, along with the bodies of the unbelievers.

A brick could be used to smash my bottled up rage, and a blanket could be laid down beforehand to catch the shards.

A brick could be locked in a safe, because nobody will try to steal it there.

A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.

A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism.

There is only one kind of shock worse than the totally unexpected: the expected for which one has refused to prepare.

A blanket could be used to lure politicians to your side of an issue. Which is your side? Easy—the side I’m not sleeping on.

A brick could be used to tell the world’s largest Yes what you really want to tell it, which is no. Tell that Yes no now, and use a brick to help you do it.

A brick could be used to keep you warm at night, in the same way that a blanket could be used to smother a lover while they sleep.

Bricks could be used to stock vending machines. You may be out of a home, but I’ll never be out of bricks to sell you.

A blanket could be used to stop terrorism. Unless that terrorist has a small knife, or really sharp teeth, and is able to chew through the cloth separating him from our American freedom.