A brick could be used to raise your status as an upstanding citizen. Don’t get too excited, though. It’ll only raise you up about three inches.

A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch your pass.

If my semen had chunks of crumbled brick in it, would you use yogurt to try to impregnate your fireplace?

You can build with brick, and you can also destroy with a brick.

A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried...

A blanket could be used to keep people warm. But take it from me: you want to freeze those dead bodies as soon as they’re cold and lifeless, because you don’t want the bodies staying...

A brick can be used to represent a ruin, or the beginning of new construction. With a brick, the past is the future.

A brick could be used to unite two long-lost brothers. They’ve been apart for six inches, and that’s entirely too long, and I think it’d be good to bring them back together.

A brick could be used to suppress the price of gold. But not for very long, because once the people realize the unrealized potential in undercutting the central bankers, gold will rise and fiat currency...

A brick could be used in the back part of a director’s last name, to make an epic space odyssey.

Oh no. I’m not gonna let you leave yet. I’m gonna show you the value of takin’ your time to get to work. I probably should have done this a long time ago.

Manny has swung with many men, but many men never seen Manny’s blissful swing.

A brick could be used like a duck could be used like a cat. My duck soup is meowing to be manhandled by a construction worker.

A brick could be used to cool your drink, like a large ice cube.

A blanket could be used to announce your intention to announce your intentions. Make sure the blanket is neon orange though, or you might not get the attention you deserve.

A brick could be translated into Spanish, and then used to landscape a lawn.

A blanket could be used to confuse and disorient. Think of it not as a bed adornment, but as a really big blindfold.

A blanket could be used as a parachute, for jumping out of dreams.

A brick could be used as one ingredient on the greedy Cake of Love. Other ingredients include: Everything.

A brick could be a breath freshener for a dragon. But so could a mint-flavored baby.

To fly is to swim in the air, and a brick could be used as an as example to highlight man’s failure to fishbird.

A brick could be used as a Disappointment Cube. Here, I’m giving mine to you, because you really bummed me out, man.

A brick could be used in the same manner as a magician’s hat could be used as a basketball. I’m not suggesting a brick replace a basketball, because that’d be silly. But not as silly...

A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to a wall of privacy.

A brick could be used as a response when the cops ask you if you murdered your mother-in-law. Forget yes or no. Well, forget yes altogether, but use brick for every response except one: What...

A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket and turn wine into water.

A brick is a good object to hide a house key under. No burglar will be able to get to your key, especially if you hide it under the first brick the mason’s lay when...

A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you can even make love to it.

A brick could be flipped over and turned endlessly. But it still won’t start your car.

The Builders are building with you in mind, dear citizen, so don’t worry your tiny mind about whether the bricks they are using are going to construct schools or prisons. They won’t tell, and you...

Our family was starting. We kept on moving with our young lives, shortly afterward and took Ben Young with us everywhere. But pretty soon Pegi started noticing that Ben was not doing the things some...

Sometimes the most scenic roads in life are the detours you didn’t mean to take.

A brick could be used to sell a blanket, in a buy one get one free situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s rubble, if it’s free people want it.

A brick could be used to stop the tears. The inside of my jeans’ pockets look suspiciously like handkerchiefs. Here, let me take off my pants so you can blow your nose.

Kick the blanket, don’t kick the bucket—especially if that bucket is full of death (or bricks).

A blanket could be used to barter with. I could trade my blanket for your sex, and everybody’s happy but the tax collector.

A blanket could be used to alert your guest when he’s overstayed his welcome. But what’s even more effective would be a flying brick at his forehead. Subtlety can be a bit soft, and can...

A brick could be used as an AFD, or Atmospheric Floating Device, whose sole function is to make people ask WTF?

A brick could be used to block a mouse hole. But something better that would not only block the hole physically, but also psychologically, would be to stuff a dead rat in the hole.

A brick could be used as an identifier, for all those people with no real identities. I’m talking about clones, because just like bricks, each clone is exactly like the next.

A blanket could be used to fill in the blank.

A brick could be used to revive the spiritual movement in America. But are we as a people willing to accept the unacceptable into our lives? Sadly, I’m afraid I’m crying at the answer, which...

A brick could be used as a dream stimulator. Just tap it gently against your forehead. And if the mechanism gets stuck, just slam it down on your skull to jar everything loose.

A brick could be used in place of a diamond on a wedding ring. Your wife’s probably going to divorce you and take the house anyway, so you might as well give her the first...

I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because bricks aren’t aerodynamic. Yeah, right. I’d like to see someone make that claim...

A brick could be used as a brick. Clever, right?

A blanket could be used to show people the benefits of sleeping with a parachute—especially if you’ve got a flying bed like I do.

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred.

A blanket could be used to offset things likely to set you off. When you start to get hot, just wrap yourself in a warm blanket until you’re comforted and you cool down.

A brick could be used to start a civil war. And then that same brick could be used to start building the country up again after everything is destroyed.