A brick could be used to raise your status as an upstanding citizen. Don’t get too excited, though. It’ll only raise you up about three inches.

A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch your pass.

If my semen had chunks of crumbled brick in it, would you use yogurt to try to impregnate your fireplace?

You can build with brick, and you can also destroy with a brick.

Bricks could be used to build stronger relationships. But so could bribes.

A blanket could be used as a cat. Wait, I have that backwards. A cat could be used as a blanket.

A brick could be used to support a wobbly table. Who got that table drunk, anyway?

One brick is not a wall. Unless you’re an ant, and then it’s not only a wall, it’s a building—a building that has no doors, windows, or people in the form of managers that I’d...

I lay warm in bed like a melted marshmallow in a graham cracker. I really wish my blanket wasn’t so rigid and crumbly.

A brick could be used to tell how hard the wind is blowing. If the wind blows the brick around, I’d get out of there immediately.

A brick could be used to help the needy. Giving a brick as a gift is a symbol showing you want to help build their future.

A brick could be used as a replacement for an erection. Hey, I did it in the early 2000s, and I gave birth to the housing bubble. Well, I didn’t literally give birth to it,...

My hand acts as a blanket for my genitals.

A blanket could be used to keep me from exploding. My patience is wearing thin, and my clothes are also wearing thin, and in some spots you can see through the material, so a blanket...

A brick could be a breath freshener for a dragon. But so could a mint-flavored baby.

To fly is to swim in the air, and a brick could be used as an as example to highlight man’s failure to fishbird.

A brick could be used as a Disappointment Cube. Here, I’m giving mine to you, because you really bummed me out, man.

A brick could be used in the same manner as a magician’s hat could be used as a basketball. I’m not suggesting a brick replace a basketball, because that’d be silly. But not as silly...

A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to a wall of privacy.

A brick could be used as a response when the cops ask you if you murdered your mother-in-law. Forget yes or no. Well, forget yes altogether, but use brick for every response except one: What...

A blanket could be used in surgery. But personally, I’d rather use a surgeon.

A brick could be used to raise my spirits. I’m feeling low right now, low by about three inches.

A brick could be used as a cube. No it couldn’t. If you thought it could, you need to be punished. I’m going to recommend to the high school principal that you be forced to...

A blanket could be used to keep people warm. But take it from me: you want to freeze those dead bodies as soon as they’re cold and lifeless, because you don’t want the bodies staying...

A blanket could be used to represent the Rectangle of Desire. In nine out of ten cases, it was more effective than Viagra. The tenth case was found to contain a lot of cash, and...

Bricks are independent but can work well with other, tough to crack, fiercely loyal and put in the right spot will hold anything and everything that you’ve ever held dear with the greatest of ease.

A blanket could be used like a giant piece of paper. Most people just want to cum on it, but occasionally someone will want to splash ink on it and try to impregnate the minds...

A brick could be used to paint a mural of your favorite politician. It doesn’t matter how accurate it is, just so long as people can tell it’s a snake.

A blanket could be used to keep an iceberg warm. People are so selfish and want to stop global warming. Well, if you were a snowman, and were cold all the time, wouldn’t you welcome...

A brick could be used to block a mouse hole. But something better that would not only block the hole physically, but also psychologically, would be to stuff a dead rat in the hole.

A brick could be used as an identifier, for all those people with no real identities. I’m talking about clones, because just like bricks, each clone is exactly like the next.

A blanket could be used to fill in the blank.

A brick could be used to revive the spiritual movement in America. But are we as a people willing to accept the unacceptable into our lives? Sadly, I’m afraid I’m crying at the answer, which...

A brick could be used as a dream stimulator. Just tap it gently against your forehead. And if the mechanism gets stuck, just slam it down on your skull to jar everything loose.

A brick could be used in place of a diamond on a wedding ring. Your wife’s probably going to divorce you and take the house anyway, so you might as well give her the first...

A brick could be used to motivate. Just hold it up as an example of something that’s going nowhere in life.

A brick could be used as a color in a new line of lipstick, designed to woo the mason of every woman’s dreams.

A blanket could be folded up and kept in the trunk of my car, in much the same way that I do with the Chinese gymnastics team before I chauffer them around town.

A blanket could be used to suppress yawns. Just curl up in the technological wonder that is a blanket, lay your head back, and let the miracle of science cure your yawns.

A brick is a good object to hide a house key under. No burglar will be able to get to your key, especially if you hide it under the first brick the mason’s lay when...

A blanket might make the ideal politician, because they’re warm, comforting, soft, and easily corruptible.

For loose teeth the tooth fairy recommends tying your tooth to a brick and throwing said brick down the stairs.

A blanket could be used like so many poor people get used and then thrown away like a sack of baloney that’s started to turn green. It’s sad really, when you consider all the sandwiches...

A brick could be used to help you to become a karate master, like I am. It’s easy to punch the brick and break it, but can you punch a brick, shatter it, and then...

If a blanket could be used to keep one person warm, then it stands to reason that all the blankets in the world are to blame for global warming, and I think our political leaders,...

A blanket could be used to line the walls of the Love Chamber, to soundproof it so that nobody hears you scream.

A brown blanket could be used in place of chocolate frosting on a cake, and since nobody will want to eat it, you’ll be left with more cake for yourself.

A blanket could be used to suffocate our secret desires. And what do I secretly desire? I desire suffocation, and that is why I must suffocate my desire.

A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the rouge of a brick.

A brick could be used to represent society as a whole. But to represent society as a half, I’d recommend using either a full carton of half and half, or a half-full carton of whole...