The man you’re going to marry should be like a brick: strong, sturdy, supportive and almost always hard in your presence.

A company could use bricks to measure their growth rate. How many bricks have angry investors thrown at you lately? If the answer is none, then your growth rate is probably pretty good… for the...

A brick could be used to build a future with me. Come, let’s start a life together.

A blanket could be used to cause global warming. If you don’t want to future generations to die, I’d recommend shivering in your bare bed.

A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor.

A brick and a blanket can be used as reasons to go on searching, when you’ve found all the obvious applications for the brick and the blanket—and immediately discarded them—but you lost the motivation to...

A brick could be used as a cock block.

A brick could be used like the point where always meets never. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to watch a brick levitate?

Caveat Emptor.”

A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger.

A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip.

A brick is a barometer of love. Give it to the girl of your dreams, and see if she uses it to build a life with you, or as a high velocity projectile.

A brick could be used as a hammer. A brick could be both a tool and a building material in the construction of a mansion. That’s like having an engineer design secret tunnels in your...

A brick, with its rigid conformity, could be used as a model for how the government wants its citizens to be treated. Every brick in this country is equal, and as such they should be...

A brick could be used as a doorstop. But that’s obvious. What isn’t obvious is why somebody would want to stop a door, since doors represent openness. What is that person hiding behind that door...

A brick could be used to help you maintain a balanced diet, by keeping your head perfectly still with the brick steady on your skull while you eat.

A blanket could represent change, and a brick represents consistency. Do you embrace the blanket, or the brick?

Bricks could be used to stock vending machines. You may be out of a home, but I’ll never be out of bricks to sell you.

A blanket could be used to separate the winners from the losers. With the exception of me, all men are losers, and only the winners are allowed under the blanket. Sorry, fellas, but there is...

Cats are living, breathing blankets. But a blanket, no matter how furry, cannot be used like a purrless cat.

A blanket could be used to eradicate the radical element that’s so pervasive and perverse in our society today. I’m talking about people sleeping in the nude, with nothing to cover their shame.

A blanket could be hung on your living room wall, and watched instead of nightly news. Not only would it be more honest, but it also would be more entertaining and thought provoking.

A brick could be used to satisfy your hunger—and satisfy my curiosity.

A brick could be used to show how patient you are. Somewhere between one brick and a million bricks lies a home. For me, my home is one brick, and I carry it with me...

A brick could be used as bait for the vampire shark. Since nobody’s ever seen a vampire shark, let alone caught one, I think it would be unreasonable to dismiss the idea entirely.

A brick has eight edges and six sides. That’s nearly as many sides as a politician takes when discussing a binary issue.

A brick represents a single unit, weak and useless alone, but useful and powerful when organized and grouped with other bricks. So it is with man.

A blanket could be used like a friend, if you’re the sort of person who uses their friends.

When you see my skill with a brick, you’ll think I’m skilled under the blanket. But I’m not.

A brick could be used as disbelief. I can tell you believe me, so why don’t you go ahead and hold this brick for me.

A brick on a stick could be licked like a lollipop.

This is my building—and my office has the best possible view.”

A brick is a biographical film in which a young orphan brick from the wrong side of the track grows up to be one of the most important bricks in all brick kind, as it...

A blanket could be used as a TV screen. How? No—why? Even better—why not? Why not wrap yourself up in your favorite TV shows and let the screen warm your body and soul?

A blanket could be used to stop terrorism. Unless that terrorist has a small knife, or really sharp teeth, and is able to chew through the cloth separating him from our American freedom.

A blanket could be used to mimic the mating call of my crumpled-up clone. Isn’t silence seductive?

A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.

A brick could be used to say hi to Pink Floyd.

A brick could be used to keep your sandwich pressed down, so your meat doesn’t spill out.

A blanket could be used to keep your body warm. After all, your body starts cooling off rapidly once you die. But don’t worry, I’ll bury you someplace quiet, someplace sacred, someplace so secret the...

A brick could be duct taped in front of your eyes, like a blindfold, so you can have that feeling of hitting your head against a brick wall all the time.

A brick could be used like Dracula uses binoculars. I swear that pervert peeps on me every night from the tree across the street.

A hotel is more than bricks and blankets. A hotel is a welcoming atmosphere, and a place to engage in a business transaction with a prostitute.

Bricks could be used to build structures that homosapiens can live in and engage in homosexuality in. Crazy, right? Well, it is 2012, and I think the world is progressive enough to finally accept houses.

A blanket could be bunched up and used as a seat cushion. But I’d rather cut off your buttocks and use that instead. Isn’t it better that I be the one to sit on your...

A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket and turn wine into water.

A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a brick too?

A brick could replace your window, if your window’s opaque, and you throw the brick hard enough.

A brick is……… Well it’s a bloody brick what more do you want from me?

A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a...