monosyllabic”?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on theroad an hour.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?