The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She...

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn’t have to go so fast.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

What a nice night for an evening.

What’s another word for thesaurus?

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he’s gone.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Sorry… my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.