If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?’Clawing at the roof of her coffin.

The best way to waste your life is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don’t participate. Let Big Brother do the singing and...

Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.

How she looks is watered-down.How she looks is disappearing.How she looks is erased.”Don’t stress”, she says. “This is just me not wearing any makeup.

Isn’t a kid alive who doesn’t dream about rewarding her folks, or punishing them.

In capitalist nation, all is decided by money.

You know that old phrase ‘Those who don’t remember the past are condemned to repeat it’? Well, I think those who remember the past are even worse off.

The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend.

Listening, it occurred to Randall that the love people feel for animals is the purest form of love. Loving an animal, a horse, cat, or dog, was always a romantic tragedy. It meant loving something...

If I can’t be beautiful, I want to be invisible.

I think in a way, you’re doomed, once you can envision something. You’re sort of doomed to make it happen. I’ve found that the moment I can envision leaving a relationship, that’s usually the moment...

Maybe humans are just the pet alligators that God flushed down the toilet.

The world of American politics is more contentious than it has ever been in my lifetime.

Your life isn’t about doing one perfect ‘thing’ and then falling down dead. It’s more like going to church or writing a book. You do it over and over, always trying to be a little...

When I first started writing, it was me alone with a computer in my apartment. I hated the time away from other people, and my writing sucked. Now I have a laptop; I can do...

I try to forget about the expectation that’s out there and the audience listening for the next thing so that I’m not trying to please them. I’ve spent a huge amount of time not communicating...

In my family, we can’t just sit and be together. We have to be shelling peas or husking corn or something. A larger task. Some way of being with people.

Death is a long process,” Archer says. “Your body is just the first part of you that croaks.” Meaning: Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. And your anger about investing a...

Everything is funnier in retrospect, funnier and prettier and cooler. You can laugh at anything from far enough away.

It’s only in drugs or death we’ll see anything new, and death is just too controlling.

All the effort in the world won’t matter if you’re not inspired.

I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a hot-gushing, butt-cramping, gut hosing orgasm.

The future is just wasted on some people.

It’s my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities.

Am I sleeping? Have I slept at all? This is insomnia.

Beginning with Santa Claus as a cognitive exercise, a child is encouraged to share the same idea of reality as his peers. Even if that reality is patently invented and ludicrous, belief is encouraged with...

In a way, a lot of my humor comes from presenting things that are dramatic or shocking and then people not having socially appropriate responses, having people denying the drama by failing to react to...

My father worked for the railroad, and whenever a train crashed, we would go as a family and steal food from the boxcars. One year we stole a case of butterscotch pudding that was for...

To merely observe your culture without contributing to it seems very close to existing as a ghost.

It takes a lot to get people talking in airplanes. But once they start talking, you just can’t shut them up.

I know that I’m going to die and that you’re going to die. I can’t do anything about that. But I can explore it through a metaphor and make a kind of funny, dark story...

The only thing I shy away from is non-consensual violence. I can’t write a story where someone is a simple victim because it’s boring.

So many of our enormous emotional crises are lived through the media. They’re lived through movies; they’re lived through what we watch on television – they’re not actual events in our life.

Women are already born so far ahead ability-wise. The day men can give birth, that’s when we can start talking about equal rights.

They’d told him he had talent. That word was heroin to the young. Talent

I thought we were a real love relationship. I did. I was very invested in love, but it was just this long long sex thing that could end at any moment because after all, it’s...

Yes, terrible things happen, but sometimes those terrible things- they save you.

Every evening, I died, and every evening, I was born.

Therefore, when we neglect to fear such a brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless.

Maybe it’s just a daughter’s job to piss off her mother.

Just keep asking yourself: What would Jesus not do?

Parenthood is the opiate of the masses.

Ignorance was bliss.

If you ask me, reincarnation is just another way to procrastinate.

At school I was lazy. But I started working when I was 15, washing dishes at a local truck stop restaurant. I was really, really bored with school, and I wanted to get a job...

My best advice for writers is: Have your adventures, make your mistakes, and choose your friends poorly – all these make for great stories.

The best fights don’t occur between strangers. They occur between friends who trust each other.

Being lonely is not a bad thing for a writer.

I think a lot of people saw ‘Fight Club’ and thought, ‘Right, here’s our next Che Guevara, here’s our next Fidel Castro, here’s someone who’s going to wave the flag.’ And I was like, ‘No,...

I am enormously uncool. I’ve made a cottage industry of being uncool. And I’m fine with that.