I was in the Pritikin Center in Santa Monica once, trying to lose 30 or 40 pounds in a month. I’d work… on a treadmill and with the weights, but it was driving me nuts....

People… need a time to laugh. It’s up to us to bonk ourselves on the head and slip on a banana peel so the average guy can say, ‘I may be bad, honey, but I’m...

I want to live fast and die young.

I have a tendency toward the pleasures of the flesh. It’s a battle for me, as far as weight and things like that. But I’m curbing them because I want to continue to do comedy,...

Basically, I only play one character; I just play him at different volumes.

I remember one time when all the nuns in my Catholic grade school got around in a semicircle, me and Mom in the middle, and they said, ‘Mrs. Farley, the children at school are laughing...

Once I thought that if I just had enough in the bank, if I had enough fame, that it would be all right. But I’m a human being like everyone else. I’m not exempt.

I used to think that you could get to a level of success where the laws of the universe didn’t apply. But they do. It’s still life on life’s terms, not on movie-star terms. I...

Everyone is treating it like a Hollywood story. In Madison, it’s a neighborhood story.

Everybody laughs when fatty falls down.

In the land of the skunks he who has half a nose is king.

I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.

The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn’t a crazy glue sniffer.