A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn’t mean one is good and the other is bad.

Bricks could be used to neatly pack your suitcase. It would promote personal strength and frugality.

A brick could be used as a flying decision inducer. You could have said yes before I threw the brick, but I suppose you’ll be more agreeable when you wake up from your coma.

A brick could be used to stop potential terrorist plots. But it sure would be more effective if I could just record every single phone conversation, email, text message, Google search, and Skype video chat...

A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how to dance, by providing motivation to get good so they can get some...

A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big. Oh yes, it’s as big as this lie is.

A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

A brick could be used in a manner most secret. But Shh! I can’t tell you. What part about secret don’t you understand?

The cloud cover made for a terrible blanket.

A brick could be used as a dream stimulator. Just tap it gently against your forehead. And if the mechanism gets stuck, just slam it down on your skull to jar everything loose.

A brick could be pet, like a dog, and taught to shit in my neighbor’s yard.

Man’s mind is a coast of great monuments, the source of wild and complex dreams and accomplishments that physical eyes have not seen.

A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed.

A blanket could be used to keep people warm. But take it from me: you want to freeze those dead bodies as soon as they’re cold and lifeless, because you don’t want the bodies staying...

A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a brick may be dumb, but at least it isn’t dumb and interfering in...

I promise I shall never give up, and that I’ll die yelling and laughing, and that until then I’ll rush around this world I insist is holy and pull at everyone’s lapel and make them...

A blanket could be used to rob a bank. Guns are so Bonnie and Clyde, but a blanket bank robbery has a certain amount of seduction involved. A blanket has a lot more banging involved...

until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.

Last night I did things my mother told me not to with the people I shouldn’t see in the places that I should not go..

Many people continue to think of sharks as man-eating beasts. Sharks are enormously powerful and wild creatures, but you’re more likely to be killed by your kitchen toaster than a shark!

A brick could be used to practice your telepathic levitation. If you can lift the brick, you’ll lift your spirits.

A blanket could be used to cover the engine of a car, much like a hood does, only the blanket would help the car fall asleep when it was spending its idle time idling.

Bricks could be used to generate smiles among the general population. Just hand them out, along with handshakes, and say, This will make everything OK. And guess what? They’ll believe you.

A blanket could be used to warm the hearts of all the nonbelievers. We are all nonbelievers, because nobody believes in everything.

A blanket could be used as a distress symbol. You’ll know I’m in danger and in need of rescue, because I’ll be asleep and completely oblivious to my surroundings.

A brick could be used to determine whether you are really in love or not. But you’re never going to be able to tell for sure if you try to run the experiment with the...

A brick could be used to keep a level head. I don’t mean remaining rational, I mean literally, keep your head still and balanced and don’t let the brick fall off. Actually, keeping the brick...

I have a fist like a brick, but I don’t punch through walls—I build them and become them.

A brick could be used to tell time. And just between you and me, I hope that brick tells time to go to hell.

A brick could be used like a fleeglebeegle, which in turn could be used like a zoopkatofka, which itself could be used like a Wexlybexter Device (the one with the hand crank, not the one...

A brick could be used to represent society as a whole. But to represent society as a half, I’d recommend using either a full carton of half and half, or a half-full carton of whole...

A brick could be used in conjunction with another brick to be the Democrat and Republican Presidential candidates. People will say, Vote for the brick on the left, or, The brick on the right is...

You can build with brick, and you can also destroy with a brick.

Fear begets fear. Power begets power. I willed myself to beget power.

A brick could be used to build a color theory that red objects encapsulate rage. Don’t believe me? Think of all the red objects that inspire hate: stop lights, Nazi swastikas, and tomato juice.

I’ll take a brick in a blanket, hold the ice.” What the bartender started, the Finnish guy finished, and the brick and the blanket thought they’d better to drink elsewhere. * A brick in a...

A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you won’t need any additional security. Years will go by and nobody will steal...

A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn’t always better. Don’t you want to make love better?

A blanket could be used as a makeshift trampoline, to attract midgets to your picnic. The great thing about dining with dwarves, is since they are little people, they eat very little.

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

I am more than what they say I am.

Lirralei was a girl of storm–winds and thorns, the musk of the wild rose and the flight of the falcon.

Her beauty must have been exhausting and not to mention troublesome. Glitter swiftly made it’s way into the vibrant strands that graced her lavish eyelashes. Each blink, each pressing moment, time seemed to have stopped...

A brick could be used to get a new job. Hire me! I have a brick, and I’m not afraid to use it.

A blanket could be used to teach geography to a sleeping man. Better do it quick, before he wakes up and finds himself in the middle of World War III with no idea where he...

A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a...

A brick can and should be used as a telephone, because that way I won’t feel so bummed out that she never calls me.

The Titanic.” Surely a brick with that name would never sink.

Sleep with family is a napkin (nap plus kin), and I used a napkin as a blanket.

I need a bone saw—for the meatloaf I made for you, which looks suspiciously like a brick. The gravy is a blanket.