Today is a special day that will go by very fast, so let’s take every second to make the most out of every moment.

If I get famous, I’d seek employment in a wax museum—as a candle. If you fire me, make sure you blow me out before singing Happy Birthday.

Instead of selling other countries weapons, we should sell them candles. Maybe then instead of singing the praises of war, they’d start singing Happy Birthday. And I don’t know anybody, not even my bully of...

My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, “If you can read this, Happy Birthday!