The More Interesting Than.” I would say get Miley Cyrus to do it, but she isn’t interesting enough.

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.

A brick could be used like a giraffe could be used as a neck warmer. You could also use my foreskin.

A brick could be used to show support for your favorite team. They want to crush their opponents, and if you’ve got the arm strength and accuracy, you should do everything in your power to...

A blanket could be used to cover my couch. Nobody should see that I constructed my sofa on the bones of my ancestors.

A brick could be used to remind you. I would remind you of what you need to be reminded about, but that’s not my role—that’s the brick’s place.

A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn’t mean one is good and the other is bad.

A brick could be used to crush the Fruit of Desire and make the Juice of Destiny. Drink it before I lose my erection.

A brick could be used to help defeat all incumbent politicians whose last name starts with Brj and anything after that alphabetically. Since people tend to vote for the first one on the ballot, Brick...

A brick could be used as a book cover. Talk about hardcover!

A brick could be used to practice your telepathic levitation. If you can lift the brick, you’ll lift your spirits.

A blanket could be used to cover the engine of a car, much like a hood does, only the blanket would help the car fall asleep when it was spending its idle time idling.

A blanket could be used to water down the water. Don’t do it now! Wait until I am finished bathing.

A brick could be used to create a new society, a perfect society, where there is no inequality, there are no laws, and most importantly, there are no people.

A brick could be used as a marketing tool. I’ll help you grow your business, if you help me plant this brick in the ground.

Bricks could be used as breast implants. Lady Squaretits is really particular about the shape of her boobs.

A brick could be used to get a new job. Hire me! I have a brick, and I’m not afraid to use it.

A blanket could be used to teach geography to a sleeping man. Better do it quick, before he wakes up and finds himself in the middle of World War III with no idea where he...

A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn’t leave their wallets in their pants.

A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.

A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism.

A brick could be used as a trophy at your company’s annual award ceremony. It’s a way to save money while making pride and applause at the same time.

A brick could be used to help define your rigid beliefs. I put my beliefs to bed, along with the hooker I rented for the night.

A blanket could be used to warm the hearts of all the nonbelievers. We are all nonbelievers, because nobody believes in everything.

A blanket could be used to rob a bank. Guns are so Bonnie and Clyde, but a blanket bank robbery has a certain amount of seduction involved. A blanket has a lot more banging involved...

until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.

A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is with debt and denial.

A brick could help get your unruly hair under control, by getting at the root of the problem—your skull. Increase force as necessary.

A brick could be used to trick a snake into leaving your pet mouse alone. That way you’re free to use the mouse as you want to, you pervert.

A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn’t always better. Don’t you want to make love better?

A blanket could be used as a makeshift trampoline, to attract midgets to your picnic. The great thing about dining with dwarves, is since they are little people, they eat very little.

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

A blanket cold be used as truth. At least it’s so warm, it must be used that way.

A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped and huge? That’s right—my penis sheath.

Bricks could be used to neatly pack your suitcase. It would promote personal strength and frugality.

A blanket could be used to deliver the darkness on a platter of light. But I’d eat my unborn children straight out of your uterus with a straw before I’d ever be a delivery guy...

A brick could be used to bring about a pantsless revolution. A zipper is just a gate holding you back, man.

A blanket could be used to feed the homeless. I mean warm the coldless. I mean coldsome. I wouldn’t know, because I’m homefull.

A blanket could be used for selfish reasons. I would list those reasons, but they’re mine—all of them. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

A brick could be used to simulate a war opponent. Especially if your nemesis is paraplegic and without transportation.

A blanket could be used to trap and contain love. I’ve tried other stuff, like a Ziploc bag, a can of tuna, and even a dead cat’s stomach, but nothing seems to be able to...

A brick could be used to grow your annual income by a factor of four. What, you don’t believe me? Are you calling me a liar?

A brick could be used to build a house—or destroy it, one window at a time.

A blanket could be used to tell people a thousand miles and a thousand years away hello. Greetings European people of 3013! I hope you still speak Europe and can understand not a word of...

A brick could be used to declare war on a country made of glass. I’ll bet those citizens would love to drink vodka dyed blue like window cleaner.

A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like it, because as soon as your parents gain another child, you’ll quickly find...

Bricks could be used to make a billion dollars. It’s easy! All you need to do is fill up a shopping cart full of bricks, park it outside of a grocery store, and wait for...

A brick and blanket could be used to turn my words around like backwards high heels on my tongue .

A haunted house could be used like a Band-Aid to stop a bleeding brick. But why stop the bleeding? Stab it a few more times and then sell tickets to the spectacle.

A blanket could be used to sell your winningest product to your loserest customer. Oh, loserest is a word. I know, because I just wrote it.