A brick could be placed in the trunk of a car manufacturer’s competitor, to increase the odds of decreasing their fuel efficiency.

A brick could be used in a smash and grab. Well, at least in the smashing aspect. A blanket would be more suited to the grab role.

A blanket could be used as an example for how you should make important decisions. Don’t give me a yes or a no now. Sleep on it and get back to me in the morning.

A brick could be substituted in for Rhode Island as a US state, because they’re roughly the same size, the have the same population (the brick may have one less person), and Grandma Kintz makes...

A blanket could be used to protect your heart from heartbreak. Keep your heart warm, because if your heart grows as cold as ice, it’s much more likely to shatter.

A brick could replace your window, if your window’s opaque, and you throw the brick hard enough.

Remember what?” And that’s precisely my point—you can’t even remember what you can’t remember, and I’m here with a blanket to help. So scoot over and let me lay in your bed with you.

A brick could be used to cut things. The duller the object, the sharper the user has to be to make it work.

A brick could be used for note delivery, from the KKK.

A brick could be used to disguise the fact that I’m blushing. Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed! Don’t look at the rose of my ears, look at the rouge of the construction cube.

A brick could be used to stop time. I did it once at my uncle’s house, and I nearly wrecked the universe. He wanted to spank me, but decided not to, because he was afraid...

A brick could be used to help you write the book you’ve always wanted to write. That is, if you wanted to write a book on masonry with a target market of two—your parents.

A brick could be used to represent a memory. That way when you live in a brick house, you could be living in the past.

A blanket could be used for political transparency. After all, what’s more see-through than a brick wall?

A blanket could be used to fly interdimensionally. My penis is a wormhole.

I love this book like I love a brick and a blanket, which could be used to teach people the value of safe sex. Remember, if you’re going to have safe sex, try not to...

R u in?”

A brick could be used as a hammer, which frees up the hammer to be used as a sex toy. The only question is, Which end will you insert? If you’re a politician, I’d recommend...

Do either a brick or a blanket have Buddha nature? The answer is yes and no and maybe, in a Triangle of Truth where there is no is, and there is no isn’t.

A brick could be used as a symbol for the kind of life I’m trying to build. The question now is, what kind of life am I trying to build? Well, I guess I want...

A brick could be used as a patsy in a murder plot.

I built my marriage brick by brick. And I destroyed it blanket by blanket.

Bricks could have been used to stop Napoleon’s army from advancing into Russia. And blankets could have been used to keep Napoleon rolling in victories.

A brick is a polarizing object. Especially if you find it at either the North or the South Pole.

A brick could be a columnist for the New York Times, and could even win a Nobel Prize. And why not? Is that any more absurd than both those things happening for Paul Krugman?

A brick is what I’m voting for for President. And guess what? If you’re voting for a Republican or Democrat, so are you.

A brick could be used to soften resistance. Smash the opposition into a pulp!

A brick could help me hold down a job. Hey, in an economy as bad as this, every little bit helps.

A blanket could be used to make people smile. But the blanket won’t make just anyone smile—it will make people with no mouths smile. I plan on showing a live audience how it works at...

Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I’ve got to win them.

Blankets could be used as tents. That would free up tents to be used as portable sex stalls.

A brick could be used to stop war. Logically, a non-brick could be used to start a war. The most common non-brick war starter is of course a politician, which is misleading because despite being...

A blanket could be used to alter the future. But so can setting your watch ahead five minutes. Trust me, I’ve been to the future, and I was late.

A brick could be given as a graduation gift to a C student. It’s like here, welcome to a life in the construction industry.

Free sex with room.”

A blanket could be used to reduce the weight of love, by exactly one person. It’s a cold world out there.

A blanket could be used to travel to exotic places. Just close your eyes and see for yourself.

A brick could be used as a way to motivate yourself to succeed. I’m proof that it works. It’s how I managed to get second to last in my last race.

A blanket could be used as a bathtub tarp, keeping all the body’s heat in, and the police’s and murder victim’s wife’s eyes out.

A brick could be used as a pillow, if you first wrap it with a blanket. But if you’re shivering from being cold, don’t worry—I’ll cover you with my naked body.

A brick could be dropped in a toilet to replicate the sound of shitting bricks. But we wouldn’t have to go through all that trouble if you’d just eat the bricks I put on your...

A brick could be cast in Samuel Jackson roles. It would be cheaper and more dramatic.

A blanket could be used as an inherently destructive force, if you can just get past the brick stage.

A blanket could be used to trap my love in, before it dissipates out into the world.

A jet may be perfect for breaking the speed of sound, but a brick is designed to break the speed of silence. Just listen to that quietness.

A brick could be laid on a blanket, so the blanket doesn’t blow away. But why would the blanket blow away? I just turned the fan off.

A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity.

A brick and a blanket need a logo, and I’m just the designer to hire to sit around idly as I ideally charge you by the hour.

A brick could be used to help you become the next Great American Novelist. Hopefully after you use it to crack your own skull, and not too long after your death, the public will realize...

A brick could be used to stop people from reading my book. Just place the brick on the book’s cover, to discourage people from opening it up.