A brick could be used to tell how hard the wind is blowing. If the wind blows the brick around, I’d get out of there immediately.

fresh” chicken noodle soup through a 20-foot straw that runs from the basement up to the attic, where she found the soup.

A brick could be used to flavor your bathtub water, and raise the fluid level, so you perceive that you have more to drink.

A brick could be used to practice your telepathic levitation. If you can lift the brick, you’ll lift your spirits.

A blanket could be used to cover the engine of a car, much like a hood does, only the blanket would help the car fall asleep when it was spending its idle time idling.

A blanket could be used to water down the water. Don’t do it now! Wait until I am finished bathing.

A brick could be used to simulate a war opponent. Especially if your nemesis is paraplegic and without transportation.

A blanket could be used as a distress symbol. You’ll know I’m in danger and in need of rescue, because I’ll be asleep and completely oblivious to my surroundings.

The Titanic.” Surely a brick with that name would never sink.

Sleep with family is a napkin (nap plus kin), and I used a napkin as a blanket.

I need a bone saw—for the meatloaf I made for you, which looks suspiciously like a brick. The gravy is a blanket.

A brick could be used to enslave humanity. No wait, a brick can’t do that—but the Masons can.

I’ll tear down the wall between us—and tear down the walls of your life.” Then you might try offering him a cheese sandwich.

A blanket could be used as Concealment Revealer. It both conceals and reveals, like great dialogue. Here’s some great dialogue I wrote for two characters, Mr. Brick, and Ms. Blanket: Mr. Brick: I like your...

A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming—and that you are warm. Where’s the cold war when you need it?

A brick could be used as a bowling ball. With how bad I bowl, a rectangle ball couldn’t possibly hurt my score, because in bowling you can’t get a lower score than zero

On is to no, as Dora J. Arod is to Dora J. Arod. And brick is to blanket, as Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora.

What is the greatest mystery of the universe? The answer is brick. Or is it blanket? I forget which one.

Blankets are covers, covering the sins of my fathers.

A brick could be used in place of B. Rick, who is sorry he couldn’t make it to this sentence. But he assured me if this thought has a third sentence, he’ll definitely show up...

A brick on a stick could be licked like a lollipop.

A blanket could be used to represent the Rectangle of Desire. In nine out of ten cases, it was more effective than Viagra. The tenth case was found to contain a lot of cash, and...

A blanket could be used to help frowners smile. I’m only halfway through the process myself, which is why I’m smirking.

A brick could be used as a blanket, and a blanket could be used as a brick, but not very well and not equally as well. Which is whicher depends on whose colder and who’s...

You can sit on a brick, and milk a cow with a blanket.

A brick could be used to get a new job. Hire me! I have a brick, and I’m not afraid to use it.

A blanket could be used to teach geography to a sleeping man. Better do it quick, before he wakes up and finds himself in the middle of World War III with no idea where he...

A brick could be used like a giraffe could be used as a neck warmer. You could also use my foreskin.

A brick can and should be used as a telephone, because that way I won’t feel so bummed out that she never calls me.

A blanket could be used to store valuable information that will keep future generations warm overnight. And just so you know, it wasn’t me that farted in the blanket. That’s a bit too much information,...

A brick could be used as a Red Beard Replacement, for those of us who can’t grow facial hair, but desire the respect a beard brings.

A blanket, when taken to the top of a mountain and laid flat, could be painted orange and used as a landing pad for when the aliens come to earth to save humanity. The only...

A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by giving them the gift that says both Thank You—and Fuck You.

A brick could be used to help America make money. Trust me, this is smarter than letting a central bank like the Federal Reserve make all the money.

I am the burrito wrapped up in a blanket. Eat my warmth.

A brick can be neither good nor bad. A brick just is. And it isn’t, because I just stole it from you, which is good for me, and bad for you.

A blanket could be used to not only make promises, but fulfill them too. They’re so soft and warm, how could they not be used in this manner?

A brick could be used as an idol you can worship. But be careful, lest God smite thee with His wrath.

A brick could be used as a time travel device. I didn’t say it would work well, and you’d say it didn’t work at all, but I’d reply that you probably weren’t using it right....

A blanket could be used as a flag, for a sleepy nation.

A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket and turn wine into water.

A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a brick too?

A blanket might make the ideal politician, because they’re warm, comforting, soft, and easily corruptible.

A blanket could be used as a shield, in a fight with a cold shower. I know, because I won that battle this morning, only I wielded a sword—and an erection made of sleep.

A blanket could be used like a cat, if it were furry and purred.

A blanket is great for covering things, like the dead guy, I just killed with this brick.

A brick and blanket could be used as a large slingshot, put the brick in the blanket swing it around and release.

A brick could be used as a trophy at your company’s annual award ceremony. It’s a way to save money while making pride and applause at the same time.

A brick could be used to help define your rigid beliefs. I put my beliefs to bed, along with the hooker I rented for the night.

A brick could be used in a heart transplant operation. And for just $25,000 more dollars, that brick could be switched with a real or artificial heart.