A brick could be pet, like a dog, and taught to shit in my neighbor’s yard.

A hotel is more than bricks and blankets. A hotel is a welcoming atmosphere, and a place to engage in a business transaction with a prostitute.

A brick could be used as a thick bumper sticker. Then if you get in a crash, you can blame it on the housing market and the element of irrational exuberance created by Alan Greenspan.

Blankets could be used to make perimeter walls, to keep out an invading army wielding pillows instead of swords.

A brick could be used to represent my hero. My hero obviously doesn’t look like a brick, but since he is my hero I decided to represent him as more handsome and interesting than he...

A brick could be used to smash my bottled up rage, and a blanket could be laid down beforehand to catch the shards.

A brick could be used to decorate a house. And not just one brick, thousands could be stacked and affixed together and really make your house not only feel like a home, but less drafty...

A blanket could be used to deliver the darkness on a platter of light. But I’d eat my unborn children straight out of your uterus with a straw before I’d ever be a delivery guy...

A brick could be used to bring about a pantsless revolution. A zipper is just a gate holding you back, man.

void”. Are a bit whorish in that the instant you walk away from them in less than a minute they’ll be all over someone else, and the moment you actually need them they’re nowhere to...

A brick could be used to separate two types of people. On the left is a guy who loves my writing, and on the right is a girl who loves my writing. Now I love...

A brick could be used to stall for time when the police are searching your place looking for a missing person. I kept telling them, I didn’t steal a person—I kidnapped a mannequin. Is that...

A brick could be covered in black fur, cradled, pet, and called Mr. Fizzlebush. The best part is that since it’ll sit still and silent on the bed, it won’t meow or run away when...

A blanket could be used like cloud cover

transparent” administration.

A blanket could be used like Lenny McDenny says hello. He never says hi, because he only says goodbye. He’s always leaving and never arriving. I’m like that too, except I’m always arriving and never...

A blanket, no matter how thin, could be sliced thinner, and in this way one blanket could be used to keep a multitude of people warm. But not that warm.

A brick could be used to dispel the very same lies that a blanket could be used to cover up.

A brick could be used to raise your status as an upstanding citizen. Don’t get too excited, though. It’ll only raise you up about three inches.

A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch your pass.

If my semen had chunks of crumbled brick in it, would you use yogurt to try to impregnate your fireplace?

You can build with brick, and you can also destroy with a brick.

Bricks could be used to build stronger relationships. But so could bribes.

A brick could be used as Bigfoot. You know, as something the people can really believe in.

A brick could be used as the ultimate bug crusher. But why you’d use a brick as a shoe, I have no idea.

A brick and a blanket represent two lovers who can never be together. I simply forbid it!

A brick could be exchanged for a bar of gold. But be sure you wait until the owner of the gold isn’t looking before you make the switch.

A brick could be used to commit genocide on a small patch of grass, if you lay the brick down on the lawn and leave it there long enough. But I do not condone this...

A blanket could be used to trap and contain love. I’ve tried other stuff, like a Ziploc bag, a can of tuna, and even a dead cat’s stomach, but nothing seems to be able to...

A brick could be used to grow your annual income by a factor of four. What, you don’t believe me? Are you calling me a liar?

A blanket is a tell-all story about its endeavors with certain highly publicized people and their somewhat promiscuous acts.

A brick could be sawed in half and each half glued under the back of a shoe to form high heels.

A brick could be used to wade into dangerous territory with a man named Wade who builds houses made only of wood. But if you’re going to play with fire, I suggest you wear a...

A blanket could be used to crack the code of love. What is it, where do I find it, and how much do I charge people to buy it once I do find a reliable...

A blanket could be used to help acclimate your body for your after death experience. Hell is hot, so you’d better warm up first.

A brick could be used as a replacement for an erection. Hey, I did it in the early 2000s, and I gave birth to the housing bubble. Well, I didn’t literally give birth to it,...

My hand acts as a blanket for my genitals.

A blanket could be used to keep me from exploding. My patience is wearing thin, and my clothes are also wearing thin, and in some spots you can see through the material, so a blanket...

A brick could be a breath freshener for a dragon. But so could a mint-flavored baby.

To fly is to swim in the air, and a brick could be used as an as example to highlight man’s failure to fishbird.

A brick could be used as a Disappointment Cube. Here, I’m giving mine to you, because you really bummed me out, man.

A brick could be used in the same manner as a magician’s hat could be used as a basketball. I’m not suggesting a brick replace a basketball, because that’d be silly. But not as silly...

A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to a wall of privacy.

A brick could be used as a response when the cops ask you if you murdered your mother-in-law. Forget yes or no. Well, forget yes altogether, but use brick for every response except one: What...

A blanket could be used in surgery. But personally, I’d rather use a surgeon.

A brick could be used to measure water levels through what scientists call hydrostatics. If you throw a brick into the ocean, you’ll have proof that sea levels are rising globally.

A brick could be used as 1,2, and 4. But not 3. No, 3 is too holy for a brick. 3 is a number so magical it can only be used by a blanket.

A brick is what the aliens gave me to communicate with them. It’s easy to operate. Just go to a party, or any crowded location, place the brick on your head, and stand perfectly still...

A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a brick may be dumb, but at least it isn’t dumb and interfering in...

A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like it, because as soon as your parents gain another child, you’ll quickly find...