There is nothing so aggravating as a fresh boy who is too old to ignore and too young to kick

The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag

A bee is never as busy as it seems; it’s just that it can’t buzz any slower.

It isn’t enough for you to love money – it’s also necessary that money should love you.

Very often the quiet fellow has said all he knows

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Don’t knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while.

Nobuddy ever fergits where he buried a hatchet

Everyone complains of his lack of memory, but nobody of his want of judgment.

All the world loves a good loser.

A never-failing way to get rid of a fellow is to tell him something for his own good

When some fellows decide to retire nobody knows the difference

Being an optimist after you’ve got everything you want doesn’t count.

One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.

The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.

A grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one

Lots of fellows think a home is only good to borrow money on

The’ feller that sets on a store box with his mouth full of scrap terbacker while his wife is at home sewing’ fer a living’ knows jist exactly how t’ regulate the railroads

A bad cold wouldn’t be so annoying if it weren’t for the advice of our friends.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

It’s going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth once they inherit it

Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he’s overcharging you.

Nobody ever forgets where he buried a hatchet

We seldom attribute common sense except to those who agree with us.

Some folks can look so busy doing nothing that they seem indispensable.

If there is anything that a public servant hates to do it’s something for the public

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing

It ain’t a bad plan to keep still occasionally even when you know what you’re talking about.

An optimist is a fellow who believes what’s going to be will be postponed.

We’d all like to vote for the best man but he’s never a candidate.

If some people didn’t tell you, you’d never know they’d been away on a vacation

Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest

After a feller gits famous it don’t take long fer some one t’ bob up that used t’ set by him at school

Getting talked about is one of the penalties for being pretty, while being above suspicion is about the only compensation for being homely

About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.

I don’t look for much to come out of government ownership as long as we have Democrats and Republicans

It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.

When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands, it’s a wonder there isn’t more of it done

In spite of all our speeding it’s still the style to be late.

The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.

Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out any quicker than the Christmas spirit

The election isn’t very far off when a candidate can recognize you across the street

Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.

Live so that you can at least get the benefit of the doubt.

Why they call a feller that keeps losin’ all the time a good sport gits me

Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it

We become actors without realizing it, and actors without wanting to.

If a feller screwed up his face when he asked for credit like he does when he’s asked to settle, he wouldn’t get it

Every time I read where some woman gave a short talk I wonder how she stopped

Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it’s by applause.