Some parts of the Bible I find a little troubling. For example, if Jesus really believed in nonviolence, why did He destroy the Death Star?

I support zero tolerance. But I draw the line at negative integers.

People who are needed by people who need people aren’t the luckiest people in the world.

Aging is about mind over matter – every year my matter drops another quarter inch below my mind.

It isn’t he who laughs last, but he whose laugh lasts.

No doubt zombie films are dumb, but I find it impressive that zombies can hold a camera relatively steady, let alone write a screenplay.

Am I the only person who thinks the theory of solipsism is totally stupid?

Never tell a warm-up joke before giving an intelligence briefing – just start the briefing so you can get straight to the really big laughs.

Twas Thomas Edison did declareThat waste is worse than lossYet never once saw fit to pareHis first name to Tomás

Secret 1.4. The real question isn’t whether you’re cleared for top secret, it’s whether you’re cleared for unclassified.

Why is the poem called ‘The Road Not Taken,’ when it’s about the road that was taken?

Energy equals staff times the speed of life scared.

Once you’ve played a real video game about war, you don’t understand how people can play video games about video games about war.

Man has become a tool of his tools? Man, what a tool.

Motivational Secret of the Week: You are not a statistic. You are a datum used in the calculation of a statistic.

My wife says she would never fake an orgasm – but if I want her to, she’s willing to fake faking one.

I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when the President and the Israeli PM discussed NSA spying on Israel. … OK, I admit it, I was.

Our boss announced that we’re implementing a self-managing team concept. From now on, we’ll be the team, and our boss will be the self.

Infiltration is the sincerest form of flattery.

When they say “no preparation necessary,” do they mean to prepare isn’t necessary, or that it’s necessary to not prepare?

Motivational Secret of the Week: There are no menial jobs. But you’re welcome to check back next month.

Wanna analyze my pocket litter?

If by ‘about’ you mean ‘in a circle around,’ then yes, we’re doing something about the problem.

Just because your opinion counts doesn’t mean it should multiply.

On the directory map in CIA Headquarters lobby, it says ‘You Aren’t Here.

If you feel badly enough about dialing a suicide prevention hotline by mistake, it wasn’t a mistake.

Secret 400. Those who complain that it’s lonely at the top never invite you up there to keep them company.

Don’t worry, the situation is undercontrolled

Secret 48617.0. If you’re TDY in Ottawa, the only thing worse than CSIS giving you a bad time is CSIS attempting to show you a good one.

To actually know one’s ass from a hole in the ground is to appreciate that the difference is mostly cosmetic.

The rain in Ukraine falls mainly on the insane.

Be levelheaded, that your head be not leveled.

During my first tour, the COS told me “Your contact reporting needs more glandularity.” I said “You mean granularity?” He said “That too.

The photoshopping of female models is sending precisely the right message to young girls: Learn image editing software!

Today I gave the hospital permission to youthanize my grandma. I can’t wait to see how much younger she looks!

I’m living proof there’s safety in numbers. I once evaded enemy agents during Carnival in Rio by hiding inside a large papier-m ché two.

Regifting is its own rereward.

Being diagnosed with spatial orientation phenomenon can turn a person’s whole world upside up.

Rock, paper, scissors, and pretty much anything else for that matter, beats playing rock–paper–scissors.

The kingdom of intelligence officially isn’t within you.

In an opposite universe, the iconoclast creates the icon. – Why We Couldn’t Possibly Be Living in an Opposite Universe, Reason 11.9

The official spokesperson is the most anonymous source of all.

I never read the whole Zen koan – I just skip to the end to find out if the monk attained enlightenment.

Dog spelled backwards is God. NOC spelled backwards is NOC.

From a Twitter post on why food is better than people: ‘Bagels don’t talk about you behind your back.’ … Since WHEN???

Those who are ignorant of science fiction movie tropes are condemned to play imperial stormtroopers.

Whoever said “The hand that holds a book cannot hold a gun” never worked for CIA Tech Ops.

The Australian flag is noteworthy in that, cosmologically speaking, it’s becoming less accurate with each passing second. By contrast, the cosmological accuracy of the American flag is clearly increasing over time.

If you’ve recruited one intelligence asset, they’ve recruited you all.

Not knowing is more than half the battle. – National Clandestine Service motto