Secret 4.1. Whatever makes a nail go in is a hammer.

I can pass any polygraph, as long as it’s cut up into small enough bites.

May your assets be twice as loyal to you as you are to them.

The US Intelligence Community: ark and flood in one package.

CIA. Global, mobile, with a cause that’s noble.

Don’t hate the conspiracy, date the conspiracy!

The more important the briefing, the fewer the people in the room, toward a limit of -∞

By stripping it of natural moisturizers, ethnic cleansers leave your ethnicity dry, wrinkled and flaky.

If not for his call to priesthoodThe Bishop Fulton SheenMight have been a five-star generalOr even a famed drag queen

Whenever God kicks in a door, He padlocks it later.

The trouble with facial recognition software is that you get mistaken for every other person who doesn’t have a face.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first make gods.

Le 99%, c’est moi.

CIA analysis: the too soon joke that predates the event.

Intelligence Forecast of the Week: Quantum physicists will discover that the hokey pokey is actually more than what it’s all about.

The possession of facts is knowledge; the use of facts is wisdom; the creation of facts is covert action.

My asset looked more dead than alive – which, given that he was dead, lent the scene a certain credibility. – [context classified]

It’s a moot point whether your ass needs kicking, if kicking needs your ass.

FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week: The paper this fortune is printed on contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.

Dorothy Parker said “Ducking for apples – change one letter and it’s the story of my life.

Freedom without discipline is chaos. Discipline without freedom is tyranny. Therefore, freedom with discipline is tyranny and chaos.

Secret 5.56.45. The scar confirms the beauty, the beauty the scar.

There’s a little bit of James Angleton in every CIA officer. Counterintelligence implants a portion of Angleton’s DNA inside us when we EOD.

Intelink is the apocalypse it was created to help the Intelligence Community prevent.

Could I have the whole kit, but none of the caboodle?

President wants coup in some place called ‘Canada’ someone find a map

Not my circus, not my monkeys (but definitely my 27 clowns piling out of a car).

Secret 02.02. By skillfully employing peripheral vision, it’s actually possible to gaze into an abyss without the abyss gazing into you.

I definitely believe in the theory of penis envy. My penis feels envious pretty much all the time.

Walk On BaikuCup in hand, he singsI pass, playing deaf. Who’s theReal street performer?

Come the revolution, it’ll probably be a good idea to stop saying ‘Come the revolution.

Classifications as JokesConfidential: snickersSecret: guffawsTop Secret: full belly laughsUnclassified: uproarious laughter and applause

It’s time to scrap the archaic and oppressive paradigm of ‘client states.’ I propose a friendlier, more sustainable concept: pet states.

I’m pretty sure ‘ping’ in Chinese means ‘table,’ and ‘pong’ means ‘tennis.

Who gets briefed is what gets briefed

Pictures in women’s self-defense books never show women kicking other women. The idea is to leave something to the imagination.

Rather than continue kicking the can down the road, let us gather up the can, and deposit it in a roadside trash receptacle.

I love Earth Day, when once each year people of different backgrounds and faiths gather together to bury an environmentalist alive.

Secret 16913011. Better a CIA front than a CIA backside.

If debates accomplished anything, there wouldn’t be a need for intelligence agencies.

Italians speak in italics all the time.

Those generic avatar images for uploading a personal photo are really convenient for me, because my face looks exactly like that.

My very first job was at McDonalds. In that job I learned an important principle: When something goes wrong at work, blame the guy who gets killed.

The FDA has announced that women deserve the same sexual rights as men. Insert ironic comment into any willing orifice.

Secret 71910151. A story with legs usually involves legs with a story.

Less is more, but only marginally.

When preserving for posterity, use ¾ cup of sugar for each cup of item preserved, seal tightly, and store in a dry, dark place.

Secret 18033-3. If the key to her heart is 128 bits or greater, you’re probably wasting your time.

How do I know you’re who you say you aren’t?

Critics claim to see no evidence of CIA’s new policy of transparency. Well duh.